There are things I haven't confided in my husband

There are things I haven't confided in my husband.

I understand what I should say from the conclusion, but let me rewind a bit and then explain.

I was mildly sexually victimized when I was 18.
I don't know if this had an effect later, but if I think back now, I have memories of ruminating and looking back only on the events at that time, so I think it was pretty shocking.

Let's get down to business. When I was 19, I had a close male friend.
He was a great presence for me because he would listen appropriately, even when I talked about my heavy family environment.
One day, I was invited by him to have a deep relationship. At first, I refused, but somehow I accepted it because I was sorry for hurting him a few things, and the commandment against being aware that I had handled it conveniently, and since I didn't have a boyfriend at the time.
After that, I really regretted it, and maybe my partner also regretted it, and I stopped accepting that kind of invitation.
After that, we got involved as friends. Although distance was born, I didn't have a lover at the time, so I felt like I would say goodbye once I found someone I liked. Originally, my expectations for the opposite sex were low, so I didn't think I would meet someone wonderful and have a good relationship.

One day, I was introduced to a friend from an unexpected conversation with that person.
That's my current husband.

My current husband values me so much that I feel motherly, even though a few years have passed since we met. My current husband was the first time I felt so happy and loved me so deeply. I fell in love with my husband at first sight. Therefore, I was unable to confide in any way about this while we were in a relationship or even after naturalization.

It's getting long. As for my advice, should we take this incident to the grave?
I don't want to make my husband unhappy more than myself.

As a side note to the information, I am now estranged from this male friend.
I confessed when I was feeling good with my husband, and I turned it down. However, my husband and I are still exchanging contact information. I don't want to think that my male friend would tell my husband about this, but even when they say it, I can't say anything back; I can only say that I regret it.

We accept any words, so please give us your feedback. I'm sorry for the poor sentence.

5 Zen Responses

You don't have to reveal

　I read your question. I can feel from the sentences that they have been dealing with this for a long time. My opinion is “don't reveal it.” We didn't have an affair, it wasn't the relationship we wanted, we had a little bit of that kind of relationship, and then we left.
If you feel sorry for yourself, turn that amount into your love for your husband. On the day I remember it, I tried saying “thank you” without any warning. It may be a surprise for him, but it's an opportunity to express your appreciation.
Rather than thinking “let's take it to the graveyard” if you think it's painful, I think it's an ant to release it in such a form.

Thank you for your consultation

The fact that you have spelled the words here today is in itself proof that you are already trying to live in good faith.
The events of the past won't go away. But that's not “everything” about who you are. We all have regrets and hurt, yet we are still living today.
In Buddhism, each one is called a “karma (karma),” and karma is not a punishment; it is the very trajectory of your life until now.
Now, in a place where you are deeply loved and loved, you are at the cutting edge of that trajectory.
Instead of judging the past, just quietly put your hands together in your heart. For who I was back then, and for who I am now. That's enough.
If all of your current feelings are summed up in the phrase “I don't want to make my husband unhappy rather than myself...”, get as far away as possible from facts that are unnecessary for your future with your husband.
There is a limit to what you are free to do with your own imagination. I'm also moderately particular.
But when it's painful and painful, and there's nothing you can do about it, I think it's okay to honestly talk to your husband.
If you are a husband you sincerely loved, your husband will also sincerely accept your concerns. We clap hands.

It's not like I did a bad thing

You don't need to bother telling your boyfriend about your past.
However, you have not committed the crime of not being able to speak to others.
For example, in a club when I was a student, we continued to work together as friends even when members of the former couple broke up and went out with other members of the club.
I understand that it's a bit awkward, but you didn't do anything bad, so I don't think it's okay to despise it too much.

Right now, please cherish only the “present happiness” that you spin with your husband

Thank you for your consultation. How much worry and pain have you spent between past events and your deep love for your current husband.

From my standpoint as a monk, confiding all past facts as they are isn't necessarily “good.” There is a word “convenient (convenient)” in Buddhism. It is a means to be considerate of others and lead them to true happiness. Your “silence” full of charity, where you don't want to make your husband unhappy and that you want to protect your current happiness, is definitely not something to be blamed for, and it can be said that it is convenient for protecting loved ones.

At the time, you were working hard even though you were being clumsy while you were hurting yourself. Even if you think about the context, you're not acting in a way that makes you the bad guy. Please don't blame yourself any more.

The only thing we can live in is not the past or the future, but only the “now” moment. Therefore, for now, please cherish only the “present happiness” that you share with your husband. In the unlikely event that your past is conveyed through your friend's mouth, you should first convey your honest thoughts at that time, “I didn't want to make you unhappy, and I just couldn't say it.”

Please feel at ease and live with all your heart in the warm relationship with your husband right in front of you.

worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

I'm living in the present through those experiences of being hurt and shed tears.

I've had a lot of experiences, and here you are now. My husband is probably like that again. The experience of being hurt and shedding tears will also become a form and strength to live in the present.

If my husband finds out, he says, “I can be happy to meet you. “Thank you for your love” Let's express our desire to continue walking together. In the end, I think we'll end up there.

He has been that person in many pasts. Cherish the present. There's no need to confide in your past, and if you're a married couple, you can support each other without changing anything.

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