A good way to say no to debt

The other day, I was offered a debt by a friend I've been in a relationship with for over ten years. It's 250,000.
It's not an amount you can easily ask your friends for.

My friend has schizophrenia, and I was strictly prohibited from working by a doctor, and I secretly went to get a part-time job interview the other day, and when it was about to be decided, my medical history was revealed with a minus card, and the results were ruined.

It seems that not only my own, but everything they could think of was turned down. The reasons are probably different, but I think this kind of debt almost never comes back.

When I asked them what they use it for, they said they wanted a full set of iPad Pro. Like me, she loves drawing and games, and she can't work, so there are only two things she can do when it comes to entertainment.

When I asked other people about this, it was no different from asking them to lend me money because they wanted to play pachinko, and the content was too sweet. Certainly, it's not life-threatening if you don't have such an expensive thing. She lives on welfare and disability pension, but if she makes ends meet every month, she can save money, and I don't think it's something she can't get even if it takes time. You should do something about what you want with your own power, and I think so too.

Originally, I don't lend or borrow money, no matter what kind of close relationship I have. Of course I'm going to refuse, but if I say it too harshly, I'll hurt her.

And above all, I'm disappointed that someone I thought was my friend depended on me for money... I wonder if that was the extent of my opinion for her.

I would also like to think that she had no other intentions, and she was talking to me with a feeling of being hesitant, but when this kind of money was talked about, I was instantly excited.

How can I successfully refuse her without hurting her? Today, when I talked to my psychiatrist about this, I was reminded that they wouldn't get 300% back and that I should never lend them.

We look forward to hearing your comments.

4 Zen Responses

Not giving is true mercy

I understand the details of your consultation very well. Because they are friends who have been around for a long time, it hurts their heart to say no, and at the same time, they also feel the loneliness of “being seen as an object of money.” That feeling is very natural.

Buddhism explains that people meet and support each other through “relationships,” but at the same time, valuing “boundaries between oneself and others” is also regarded as important wisdom. No matter how close the relationship is, protecting a line that should not be crossed leads to protecting each other as a result.

Regarding this incident, rather than forcibly gently fixing it, it would be more compassionate than honestly and quietly communicating your own principles. For instance,

“I've decided not to lend or borrow money because I'm an important friend. It's the same for everyone, not just you.”

As such, if you tell them “it's not because I don't believe in you” or “it's something you've decided as your own way of life,” you can draw a line without denying the other person.

Also, if you can afford it,

“I have a feeling that I want to support you, so if there's anything I can do to help you in another way, please say it.”

By adding it, the feeling that you value the relationship itself will come through firmly.

Your friend may be sick and looking for “something to heal” in the midst of anxiety and loneliness. However, if money is the means to make up for that suffering, it is only a temporary break, and it could even break the relationship.

“Giving” is not necessarily mercy, and there are cases where “not giving” is true mercy. This decision is by no means cold; rather, it is an important choice to protect each other in the long run.

Please take care of your own sense of incongruity. That feeling is also proof that we have dealt with people sincerely until now. Gassho

Let's talk in good faith

I read it.
Your friend asks you to lend a lot of money, and you're worried about what to say. I don't know the details about you or your friends, but I know you're worried.
Well, you should probably think that if you lend money to a friend, it's almost impossible to get it back... Your friend said they wanted someone other than you to lend money to you, and maybe they were all turned down, or maybe they just said it with a strong feeling like you said.
Nonetheless, from your point of view, they probably think it is still impossible to lend money, so I think it is preferable to politely decline it as your will.
When you lend such a type of money, there is a difference in the way of thinking between the other party and yourself, and as a result, the relationship deteriorates, and it is very common for them to break the relationship.
I think it's okay to honestly share your thoughts and feelings while taking good care of your friends.
Maybe the relationship will break because of that, but I think that's unavoidable.
I sincerely pray that you will sincerely share your thoughts with your friends, and that your close relationships will continue in the future, that you and your friends will cherish your relationships with many people and that you can live every day rich and healthy with a heart. We wholeheartedly agree

For your family

How about saying, “It's not my money alone, it's also my family's money, so I'm sorry but I can't lend it to you.”
It's not a lie that you have a responsibility to protect your family, and I think the logic that no matter how many friends you have, you can't afford to prioritize them over family.
In particular, if the family is a child, there is no crime against the child, and if it is a spouse, they are responsible for welcoming someone else's son or daughter as a husband or wife, so
For example, I think parents have more responsibility than parents to protect their spouse, and their children more than a spouse.
I think it's unavoidable for friends to have lower priority than those families.

“Aren't you suffering from something else?” Why don't you ask

That's quite a bit of money. Are you really asking for it because you think they'll lend it to you? There's no way I can say it's okay. It's an act of destroying a friendship by oneself, isn't it?

No matter how you refuse, I think it's a natural assertion. I think your friend is also addicted. Financial aid is temporary, and it's not a fundamental solution, is it?

“Aren't you suffering from something else?” Why don't you ask them?
You may be suffering from an illness that you cannot control yourself, such as burying something with shopping.
I want to tell them that they will face it properly.

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