Consultation about years of harm experience
This is a person I have previously discussed with you about the development of a mental illness at a workplace where I worked for about 10 years last year.
After that, with the support of a legal agency, the company was followed by a former colleague and officially acknowledged that she had developed a mental illness due to Kasuhara.
Currently, in addition to treatment in psychosomatic medicine, I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD, and I am also receiving trauma therapy from a clinical psychologist.
In the process, it became known that corporal punishment received at a sports club during childhood became the first trauma, and had a major impact on personality development and interpersonal relationships thereafter.
Since then, bullying at school and cram schools, truancy, power harassment at part-time jobs, etc. continued, and I began to have a strong sense of self-denial.
Additionally, even when they won prizes in the kendo club or chorus, etc., they were laughed at by people around them, and their experiences of being denied their efforts and results were repeated.
Due to this influence, self-denial has become commonplace, and the perception that “I have no value” has taken root strongly.
Also, every time I acted to change the situation, I repeated the experience of being denied by harmful words and actions around me, making it difficult to have confidence and motivation.
After that, I obtained qualifications at a vocational school and became a member of society, but power harassment and sexual harassment continued even at my place of employment, and I continued to work in an environment where I could not take proper rest.
Through counseling, I realized that life options such as going on to college, relationships, love, and marriage that I should have been able to experience had been taken away by years of acts of offense, and I feel a great sense of loss.
On the other hand, it has also been explained that the fact that these feelings have come to the surface is itself a recovery process, and it is evidence that I am regaining my true self. The treatment is expected to take a long time, but little by little I am feeling my recovery.
However, I am currently 34 years old, and I feel a strong conflict about choices that are time-limited, such as childbirth.
Until now, I had assumed that “such a life would be impossible for me,” but now that I realized that it was an effect of the past environment, my suffering has increased.
Seeing my friend get married or give birth has become a huge psychological burden, and now I keep my distance.
I have a strong sense of anger and frustration that I might have had a different life without past offenses.
Under such circumstances, I would appreciate your advice on how to deal with these feelings and organize my mind in the future