Relieving the pain of breaking up

I broke up with my girlfriend today.
I was 28 and she was 23.
They parted ways from me after being in a relationship for 8 months.

Actually, from around March of this year, I gradually lost track of my feelings for my partner, and I repeatedly put in matching apps and erased them from feeling guilty. There was a part where they continued their relationship without it being clear whether they liked her as a lover. Nevertheless, I have acted in my own way, such as valuing the time we spend together to raise our feelings so that I can think of her as my lover like before, and choosing clothes together and presenting them on the day we last met. As for physical relationships, I also came up with that trend, but now I feel sorry.

On the day we last went on a date, in response to the fact that I was looking at my smartphone during a meal, my partner said, “Don't I have to be here?” I was told, “If you want to look at my smartphone, don't invite me,” and even though I was puzzled by the strong way of saying it, I sometimes felt sorry for not having enough consideration for myself.

I parted ways out of remorse for not being able to face my partner and remorse for my own ambiguous feelings.

During the discussion, the other party said, “I think I've talked too much about smartphones, but you weren't able to see me as your lover before that. I was told, “I understood it if you showed my attitude, but since it hasn't changed for a long time, I was the only one who liked it unilaterally.” It was also said, “I thought we were in a relationship where we could express our true intentions with you.”

Furthermore, I was told, “I was able to have a physical relationship even though I didn't like it,” and I felt that was true, and it became very painful.

I didn't intend to deceive my partner, and while I wanted to somehow continue the relationship, I think I acted without being able to fully face my own feelings. However, as a result, I hurt my partner, and I have a strong sense of regret and remorse.

Also, I have memories of choosing clothes together at the end, and I also have feelings of fun and regret.

Right now, it's very difficult because of my own immaturity, disgust for ambiguous feelings, and regret hurting my partner.
Also, I regret breaking up over a smartphone conversation.

I would like you to tell me how to deal with this feeling, and if there is a way of thinking that makes your heart feel even a little lighter.

4 Zen Responses

Resolution is still a long way off

　Good evening. I think there is something in you that you haven't finished yet about putting it into words and asking someone questions on the day you broke up. Pain, regret, and remorse are natural, but there's no need to try to make it lighter right now, and rather, I think we're still at a stage where we shouldn't take it lightly.
You seem to be looking at your own ambiguity while simultaneously hoping to “feel even a little easier,” but these two don't seem to be compatible right now. Taking it easy also means deciding not to look at it somewhere, but I don't think it's okay for this incident to pass by like that.

Perhaps the reason you are suffering is not only because you hurt your partner, but also because you have come into contact with “yourself who does that kind of thing.” The fact that they continued the relationship without their feelings being determined, and that they acted while harboring that ambiguity, all of these are showing up as current pain. Rather than just regret, I think this is more like a sense of my inner honesty being damaged.

Even with the same word “like,” there is a big difference in weight and how to deal with it from person to person. Also, thinking about people is also based on the assumption that there might be that difference. If you continue the relationship without having that assumption, that gap will come to the surface somewhere, and it will also be in the form of deeply hurting your partner like this one.

That's why now, rather than reducing this suffering, it is necessary to let it sink once and for all. The same thing is repeated just by putting it into words in a shallow place, but there are things that can only be seen by sinking. Sinking isn't a punishment; it's a time to see things you can't see unless you try to see them.
Please keep watching “why did I behave like that” and “what did you avoid and what were you trying to protect” even if you didn't get an answer. This pain cannot be erased; I think it's the kind of thing that can only be moved on by taking on it.

While facing each other firmly

I read it.
You really regret not being able to deal honestly with the girlfriend you are in a relationship with. I don't know the details of your feelings or your relationship with her, but I really understand that you are very sorry and feel guilty for hurting her.
While you were in a relationship with her, your feelings changed to something else, didn't you? I don't know what's inside your heart, but since you're human, it may be unavoidable that you end up like that. Nonetheless, even though I had a relationship with her, I made it vague, so I guess I hurt her too, and my feelings have drifted away.
For now, please calm down a bit and take a fresh look at yourself and your feelings.
You may have feelings of regret and desire to apologize, and think carefully about what is good or desirable for you to do in the future.
It's an important future for you, it's a life, and it's an important future for her, and it's a life, too.
I sincerely pray that you and her will continue to grow healthily one by one while being blessed with really important encounters and relationships in the future, so that you can face your loved ones firmly, respect them, and live a life sharing happiness with compassion. We wholeheartedly agree

Once-in-a-lifetime

Maybe this is the only woman in my life who loves me.
I recommend living with that in mind.

Knowing the reason was a step towards the next step. Let's close this romance with thanks.

Your desire to improve relationships where your feelings aren't clear has been conveyed in your own way.
But at the same time, it ended up hurting her, who likes you.

There must have been some hesitation within you. If we spend time together, we may fall in love with each other. I think if you keep getting skinship, you'll become more adorable. Your kindness in wanting to respond to her favors is also conveyed.

However, if her feelings hadn't changed, it would have been nothing but an ambiguous attitude for her, and it would have been sad.

Feelings change day by day, even when it comes to love. If we had put it into words somewhere, maybe we could understand each other. It's a pity that we've broken up until now without being able to say it, but even so, being able to know the reason in this way is a big step towards the next.

The harsh words from her were also due to her serious love for you. With those words in mind, I hope I can meet someone I really love from the bottom of my heart. I want to close this romance with gratitude.

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