I can't face my fears before surgery

That's very unsettling, isn't it?
It's life-threatening, isn't it? I think it's necessary surgery.

However, there is a high probability that half of the body will be paralyzed, and it is unavoidable that being forced to make such a difficult choice is hesitating and scary. The environment surrounding our lives and ways of life may change drastically. Why would you want to turn your eyes away from me and reality?

I wish time would stop like this. You might also think how good it would be to maintain the status quo without any changes.

So that you don't hold it alone. Until now, and in the future, we are not alone in our lives. No matter what kind of you are, there will be people who are very involved. People who are worried are also there for you.

Why don't you spend 4 months with your loved ones until surgery? Share your fears and fears. To live is to reach out to others and rely on them. Ask your doctor to explain it to you as many times as you like until you are satisfied. Let's make it a strength to overcome by having reliable support.
I'm thinking about your recovery from here on out.

You are pressured to make life-threatening decisions at the young age of 20, and how much fear and anxiety you probably have. The fact that people around you envy you and that you dislike yourself is proof that you are working hard to “live.” Please don't blame yourself.

In Buddhism, it is called “birth, old age, illness, and death (death),” and it is explained that sickness and death are unavoidable suffering for everyone. However, it's really hard to carry that on at such a young age. However, the voice of your heart that made you feel “I want to live after all” is the most precious truth, and first of all, protecting that life is a top priority.

The phrase “paralysis may occur with about half the chance” is extremely heavy, but it's just a “maybe,” a future that hasn't happened yet. Rather than imagining an invisible future and being pessimistic, let's believe in modern medical technology, which is now highly developed, and the doctor in charge.

Even if by any chance, your physical disability remains, that doesn't mean your life will end. You can always experience love, study, and play in a different form. As long as you have that rich life energy that is full of things you want to do, you will definitely be happy.

You don't have to force yourself to face your fears. The Buddha gently envelops you as you are, trembling with fear and confusion. I sincerely hope that the surgery in August will be completed successfully.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

“You might die tomorrow. “So live now to the fullest” is Buddha's teaching.
However, it is difficult even for a monk to keep that in mind all the time.
Surgery is performed 4 months later, and life is saved, but the situation where half of the body may be paralyzed with about half the chance can be said to be a serious test.
However, it may be possible to positively view it as an opportunity to put Buddha's teachings into practice.
With 4 months left, I recommend taking the plunge and trying out what you can do now.
If there are a lot of things you want to do, try putting them in order and putting them into practice one by one.
I believe your surgery will be a success, but these 4 months of experience will surely have a big meaning in your life after that.
The situation is slightly different, but I recommend watching my favorite American movie called “Lifelist.”
It's a story where the main character, a woman, realizes her teenage dreams while the deadlines are separated, and she grows greatly humanly.
It will surely give you courage.

I read it.
You had to have surgery in August, didn't you? By then, the desire to do both this and that has crept up, and it's very confusing, isn't it? And they became so scared that they were really worried about what to do. I don't know the details about you, but it really conveys your feelings. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
I don't know about the specific circumstances of your illness or surgery, but I feel like I understand that you have anxiety and fears, and I think it's natural that you think there are things you left unfinished before that.
Also, since it's probably a risky surgery, it's probably going to make you feel extra anxious and afraid.
Please take care of your own heart first. Please share your feelings with close people, doctors, and counselors. Please feel free to talk about your thoughts here as well.
You are connected to us, the Buddha, gods, and ancestors, and many people are gently watching and supporting you.
You are living protected and supported by many people anytime, anywhere, and under any circumstances.
You will be able to live your life with the support of many people from now on while aiming to do what you think.
Please heal you well and face the surgery, and I sincerely pray to your ancestors, that your surgery will be successful and that you can continue to live a healthy life with the support of many people.
And I will support you from the bottom of my heart.