I feel sorry for myself when I was little

When I was little, when I spilled tea, my father often got angry and hit me when I had a fight with my sister. It was natural for me to cry when I was little, but I immediately got angry and hit.
When I asked my mother why she didn't stop when she became an adult, she said in words that she stopped it, and as always, she spoke ill of my father.
Also, I was told to say it to my father, not me.
Even when I talk to my relatives, they are too easy to understand. It's sad that nobody understands.
My father hits things as soon as he gets angry.
I fight with my mom all the time.
My mother treats me with excessive interference. They also say a lot of terrible words.
I didn't like it and left my parents' house.
However, the little me in my heart often remembers and cries.
It's sad that I'll never be able to have a safe and welcoming childhood again.
What left for me is my sad childhood memories when I had money, a low sense of self-affirmation, and anxiety disorder.
Looking back on the past, reality also makes me sad.
How can I give up on the warm family and childhood I wanted?
Also, if it were me, if my child was hit, I would stand up and protect myself, but was it still more important for my mother to keep myself safe?
I think I'll break up with my parents' house.

4 Zen Responses

The decision to break up with your parents' house is a very natural and correct choice.

Thank you very much for your consultation. You, the little one in your heart, keep crying in the dark even now, aren't you? I am close to that deep sorrow and pain, and I deeply respect you for being able to endure this far while maintaining yourself.

It's a heartbreaking question about how to give up on a warm childhood, but in Buddhism, the “past” has already passed, and I think it is something that is never within reach. It's not easy to let go of an “obsession” with the past that cannot be changed, but quietly accepting the reality that lost time cannot be regained is the first step in getting out of suffering.

The past cannot be changed, but by cherishing the “present moment,” your future life will definitely change. You're still in your 20s, and the path of your life is yet to come. You can build a warm and secure place that you couldn't have before with your own hands in the future. There's no need to be pessimistic.

As for the question of whether your mother ran for self-preservation, it was due to your mother's own weakness and hesitation (ignorance), not because you don't deserve to be loved. The decision to break up with your parents' house is a very natural and correct choice. Staying away from bad relationships that harm oneself is also an important “wisdom” for maintaining mental and physical peace.

Please keep a firm distance, both physically and psychologically, and put your own safety and independence first. From now on, as an adult, please hold and protect the little you in your heart. I sincerely hope that you can live peacefully in the “now” and walk a new path.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

Humans also give up halfway if they are animals

Unfortunately, humans are animals after all, and if the reality is that they are faced with a tough competition for survival, there is no choice but to give up halfway.
For example, when a baby sea turtle comes back from an egg, their parents are not by their side, and they have no choice but to jump into the ocean alone.
In the ocean, only individuals that are lucky enough to survive while protecting themselves from natural enemies can grow.
You are just like a sea turtle that managed to survive while being threatened by natural enemies.
Basically, it was an environment where I couldn't rely on my parents.
Under the laws of Japanese society, you are a human being with basic human rights, and child abuse is an illegal act.
However, from the point of view of the natural world (wild animals), the law is not absolute.
In Buddhism, we think that we have been reincarnated repeatedly in the Rikudo Reincarnation.
Speaking of such a view of life, humans become animals (animals), and vice versa, so the reality is that there are people who are humans but live on a weak and strong diet similar to wild animals.
So, you've lived so far in a harsh wild world! Let's praise my past self.

If you feel valued and kindness, that person is on your side

The hurt and abuse you have received from your parents has deeply traumatized your heart, and it hasn't gone away even now. Even when they finally leave and live in a safe environment, they seek warmth and thirst for love that cannot be filled. it's painful, isn't it?

If you think back, you probably hate it, you're sad, and you don't have confidence in yourself, wondering why you weren't loved. However, it wasn't your fault; your parents only thought about themselves. I have controlled my children according to my own thoughts and desires.

Parent-child and blood relationships aren't important. If you feel valued and kindness, that person is on your side. There are plenty of people who will show kindness to you as you meet in the future. There are probably people who love you. In the midst of such relationships, let's nod our existence as an “important me.”

Let's get rid of sins and bad relationships

I read it.
You've been crying since you were young because your father scolded you, used violence, and treated you by your mother, so you didn't feel very painful. I don't know the details about you or your parents, but I understand your painful feelings from the bottom of my heart.
I think it is natural that you have lived a desperate life with such difficult feelings, and that you really wanted to grow up in a warm family with kind parents. I accept your thoughts.
Please share your thoughts here as well; please join hands with the Buddha, gods, and your ancestors from the bottom of your heart and clearly convey your thoughts.
Please tell the Buddha, God, and your ancestors exactly what you want to cry about, what you are sad, and what is very uneasy and painful.
Buddha, gods, and ancestors will kindly accept all of your thoughts. He is always close to your heart. They kindly accept all of your sorrows, sorrows, and pains, and save you.
You're never alone; even here, you're always connected to us with the Buddha, God, and our ancestors.
I don't know what kind of people your parents are, but if they are abusive and violent people like that, it's a bad relationship for you. Your parents continue to commit great crimes. Your parents will eventually be rewarded for their own sins, and they will suffer. So I think it's okay to put an end to such crimes and bad relationships.
You are being kindly watched over by so many people. Please let's be blessed with good relationships from now on.
I am praying from the bottom of my heart to Buddha, gods, and ancestors so that you can stay away from such misdeeds and bad relationships, be blessed with good relationships with really important people, and live every day with sincere peace of mind, and that you will live a rich and happy life with your loved ones from the bottom of your heart.
And I wholeheartedly support you.
Please let us know your thoughts again, and we look forward to welcoming you.

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