It made my boyfriend feel uneasy

I have a classmate boyfriend who is now a college student and we've been dating for almost 2 months. We met in the same department, and we always spend time together little by little on weekdays, and we go on a date about once a week for about half a day using our free time. So far, I think the relationship is good.
However, I did something that made my boyfriend feel uneasy the other day. On holidays, I returned LINE when time was free, and discussions with my mother suddenly began in the afternoon on that day, and the PC continued almost always looking at the screen without touching the smartphone until just before going to sleep, and I couldn't even tell them that contact would be delayed.
I thought what to do if my mother said bad things about her boyfriend (since she clearly says that this person is impossible in the family, etc.), and I haven't told my mother about the existence of a boyfriend. Even if they were just friends, I thought it would be scary if they were denied in harsh words, and I hid from my mother what kind of friends I usually interact with. Therefore, from my mother's point of view, I think it's natural to think that there will be no trouble for me if they suddenly bring it into discussion. I also told my boyfriend that my mother was slightly overinvolved, that there are many restrictions on regular communication and going out on holidays, and that I haven't told my mother about my boyfriend's existence, and that's fine, but I always felt sorry, and even when I went out or had a sudden errand, I found the timing and contacted them when replies were delayed. My boyfriend also tells me first when he can't reply due to going out with his family, etc. However, I wasn't able to do that this time, and I explained the situation by replying apologizing for not being able to reply until late at night, and although I understand that it can't be helped, I'm always happy that they contact me in such circumstances, but I was told that today's one was sudden and lonely. Also, since it was around this time that I broke up with my previous girlfriend, my mom found out that they were dating, or that they were worried about what to do if my mother said something to me.
I have apologized again and told them that I like them more than usual, but I feel that this is not a fundamental solution. Strongly speaking, I feel that it was because I didn't want to get hurt myself and ran so well that I couldn't sort out what to do.

4 Zen Responses

True peace of mind isn't about always being in touch.

Thank you very much for your consultation. He has the kindness to care for him and the sincerity to reflect on himself. However, it seems like you're blaming yourself a little too much.

In Buddhism, it is called “all suffering,” and they explain that this world is full of things that don't go the way you want it to. The reason I suddenly ended up spending time with my mother and couldn't get in touch was just that “that kind of relationship worked.” Losing contact for just one day is definitely not a sin you should bear.

The fact that he conveyed that he was “lonely” and “anxious” was a shaking of his own heart, and he simply expressed his honest feelings. It's enough to just accept it as it is, saying, “That's how you felt.” Therefore, if excessive apologies and proofs of affection are repeated, they will develop an obsession with each other that “they should always be in touch,” and in turn, they will end up in a tight relationship where hearts are bound.

Also, there is no need to despise actions to protect yourself from your mother as “preservation.” It is an important “convenience (wisdom)” for protecting your own heart.

True peace of mind is not about always being in touch, but about being able to mutually tolerate situations that don't turn out the way you want them to. By acknowledging each other's differences in circumstances, we should be able to develop a peaceful relationship without restraint.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

A relationship you can return to

Thank you very much for your consultation.
You really value your boyfriend's relationship, don't you think?

This time
It may feel like a very big event,
If you calm down just a little bit and take a look,
Maybe it's not that special.

What's happening is
Rather than the fact that contact was delayed itself,

“Something different than usual”

I think that's where the other person's anxiety was born.

People feel safe only because they have a normal flow, and when that flow changes slightly,
It's something that suddenly shakes my heart.

And one more thing I feel
Menou-san is very careful and values relationships.

Make proper contact.
Try not to make the other person feel uneasy.
It's a very kind figure.

However, just that amount, “when you can't do it,”
There are times when it feels big, doesn't it?

Also, about my mom and him.
Precisely because they are trying to cherish both
It also looks like my heart is getting a little tight.

If you try to respond properly to both,
There are times when you just can't do it.

Rather than blaming him for his words,
I think it was an honest feeling, saying, “I was a little lonely.”

That's why we need
Rather than properly reflecting on this,

“There are days like this too”
Maybe it's about having that margin between the two of them.

It doesn't have to be as usual.
It's okay if there are days when things don't go well.

Even so, the relationship continues.
In love, rather than making arrangements more important

When you break down or when your feelings are shaken,
How to get back
It's important to create together,
And I think that by having such experiences, the bond deepens even deeper.

There are also things that Menou values
Even when the other person became a little uneasy
Both are natural things in this relationship.

So,
You don't have to force yourself to be perfect.

little by little,
A form where we can be ourselves just the way we are
Maybe it would be nice if I could find it.

Please don't be in a hurry

I read it.
I read that your reply to the guy you are in a relationship with was delayed and you felt very uneasy. I don't know the details about you, him, or your family, but it tells me that you are very uneasy. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
I think it's unavoidable for LINE and email replies to be delayed due to various circumstances and circumstances. Generational issues may also be involved, but after all, a delay in replying is not a bad thing at all.
If you want them to quickly contact and respond to something sudden or something important that is life-threatening, it would be preferable to reply promptly if possible, but even if it's such a sudden, it may be difficult to get in touch easily depending on the timing, so I think it's quite difficult to reply in a timely manner.
The world these days is really overflowing with information on SNS smartphones such as LINE, and I think it's too hectic.
Conversely, they are probably too caught up in or dependent on information such as SNS.
Your convenience is yours, and his convenience is his. I'm probably a college student now, but if my grades go up or graduate and become a member of society, it will become even more hectic.
Please feel safe and calm down first, and never let yourself be carried away by anxiety. Not all replies have to be immediate; there are times when you need to be calm and careful.
Conversely, there are times when you reply in a hurry, causing confusion, worry, or trouble.
I sincerely pray that you and he will continue to sincerely respect each other and grow while caring and trusting each other, and that we will be blessed with relationships with many people and be able to live a truly rich and fulfilling everyday life from the bottom of our hearts.
And I wholeheartedly support you and him.

Imagine, believe, and wait from the situation you're in. Build a trusting relationship

I also read my profile. The mother is “quite overinterfering” beyond the level of excessive interference. You're already an adult, and if you don't insist on your own freedom, everything will be controlled, so let's tell them to stop interfering while creating opportunities.

Regarding my dealings with him. It's common when something happens and we can't get in touch. The important thing is “no contact!” Instead of being anxious or blaming them, it means imagining from the situation the other person is in, believing, and waiting. It means building a trusting relationship.

this incident. “I'm sorry I couldn't get in touch with you. I think it's a story that can be completed with “I took it in a little bit.” Also, in a relationship, let's continue to feel safe by conveying just what you can share with him with information from within your home.

Your domestic problem is that you become independent from your mother's interference. Let's build a parent-child relationship while taking time to do this.

A comfortable relationship is about protecting one's own position and being good with the other person while considering each other's positions. It will become a long-lasting relationship.

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