I can't forgive it no matter what

Thank you for your support.

I have had two miscarriages. The story goes back to the first time.

The first pregnancy was natural. I told my husband not to tell anyone until I entered a stable period, but I quickly told my mother (mother-in-law).
I've already lost trust in my husband at this point,
I wanted the existence of my own child.

Three months later, I had the chance to meet my mother-in-law. At that time, “are you doing your best?” I was told.
I was wondering what that meant, but since I was still a newlywed, I thought it meant housework and work. But when I heard it closely, it was about raising children.
Even after I went to the bedroom, they came into the room as if they were chasing me,
“My mom (my real mother) will be happy if I have children.”
They said things they didn't want me to touch even though it had just been since I had a miscarriage.

Even though my wounds haven't healed, that “are you doing your best?” Three and a half years later, I still can't get that word out of my head.

My mother-in-law has a good reputation from those around her.
At the time of the wedding, my relatives also said, “I'm glad he's a friendly and nice person!” What was said.

But inside of me, I hate it so much that I want it dead. Every day, I want them to die soon.

After that, I treated infertility alone for a few years (since my husband was assigned alone), and I had my first child last year.

My heart rate goes up just by coming to LINE, and I don't like meeting someone so much that I have a backlash.

But we have to meet during summer and winter vacations. I also don't want to show the children that were born.
But one month after my child was born, I came to see it even though my life wasn't settled down yet. It was really annoying to have to be entertained.
You're saying you want to come next week on the ◯ day, right? My husband contacted me, and I couldn't say I didn't like it.

My husband is currently on assignment alone, so I live with my real mother.
My husband, who was born from such a person, would like to continue living separately if possible. I can't live without a remittance of living expenses, so I can't get divorced now.

A mother-in-law who doesn't seem to be able to forgive no matter how hard she tries.
What kind of attitude do I need to live a peaceful life?

4 Zen Responses

Thank you for your question.
The way to calm your mind is to forgive.
The Buddha often compared resentment and anger to poison and fire.
Resentment and anger torment oneself, and even those around them suffer, leaving nothing but ashes behind.
It is only through forgiveness that the heart can be cleansed.
Remember how you felt when you saw the wedding photos about your husband.
From a mother-in-law's point of view, I feel that grandchildren are cuter than sons. Please let them know that feeling.
I think it's difficult because both my husband and mother-in-law seem to have a tendency to say and act rude to you without consideration.
But I'm sure children raised by mothers who can forgive them with an open heart will grow up to be kind people.

due to anger, hate, and envy...

I read it.
You really can't forgive what your mother in law said, and you hate it so much that you want her to die. You're probably wondering what to do to live a peaceful life on your own. I don't know the details about you, your husband, or your mother, but I accept your feelings from the bottom of my heart.

The anger, envy, hatred, curse, and murderous intent you have is something in your heart if you are a human being. I don't think there are people who don't have such feelings at all.
Please sincerely put your hands on the Buddha, God, you, and your ancestors and confess that thought as it is. Please tell the Buddha, gods, and ancestors one by one the anger, hatred, envy, and curse that overflows through your heart. The Buddha, gods, and ancestors all accept your thoughts. He is close to your heart. The Buddha, gods, and ancestors can see everything in your heart, and they can see it carefully. And he will guide you and save you from your suffering.

If you have feelings of anger, hatred, envy, or curse, you will suffer yourself. The Buddha, God, and your ancestors will save you from suffering.

Also, your child is your child, your husband's child, and your mother's grandchild. For children, you, your husband, and your grandmother are very important people, and I think this is an important bond.

I sincerely pray to the Buddha, God, and your ancestors so that you, your children, and all of you can truly cherish and care for each other and share happiness from the bottom of your heart. We wholeheartedly agree

I can't drive in a good way... I'm angry.

　Hello. I can tell you that you are in the midst of a pretty strong sense of anger. At the same time, I also felt that I was so hurt that I couldn't get away from my anger.

Your mother-in-law's words probably stuck with you so deeply. It was a difficult time both mentally and physically, and I stepped into a place I didn't want to be touched. I think that memory continues to remain even now.
However, there is one thing I would like you to consider. You are now writing “I can't forgive my mother-in-law,” “I don't want to meet her,” “I don't want to show my children,” and “I want to live separately from my husband as is.” On the other hand, it is also written that divorce is not possible because there are living expenses. In other words, I want to leave as a feeling. However, as a way of life, we must be connected. Isn't that contradiction making you even more distressed?
If you really choose the path of “not forgiving by any means,” the choice to live by separating your relationship with your husband or mother-in-law as much as possible will come up after that. However, if you choose that path, you must also face real-life issues such as living expenses, child support, housing, and how to protect your life with your children. Anger alone cannot structure life.

Conversely, if you can't leave right away, even if you can't even “forgive,” you need to think about the path of “not letting anger control your entire life.” Forgiving is not the same as pretending that nothing happened. Reduce the number of times you meet, leave the contact point to your husband, refuse visits, keep them short, and don't provide unreasonable hospitality. Drawing such boundaries is not forgiveness, but rather a way to protect yourself and your children.

Your suffering is not only “not being able to forgive,” but also “having to continue the relationship without being able to forgive.” So first, be honest with yourself and take a look at “what do I really want to do.” Actually, do you want even one word of apology? do you want to break up? Do you want to keep your distance? Do you want only minimal relationships? Or maybe you want to be a little bit calmer someday?
For now, I don't think we need to aim for forgiveness. Instead, don't entrust your life to anger. What distance can you keep so that you and your child can live peacefully? Please discuss that realistic line drawing with your husband. I think it is necessary to arrange distance before forgiveness.

Let's create a position we are satisfied with and protect our own heart.

That's a disgusting statement, isn't it? I can't forget it.

“Friendly? It makes me think, “It's just insensitive, isn't it?” I have been hurt by my mother-in-law's words and behavior over and over again.

My husband doesn't understand that. So, pregnancy is a joy, and since it's a family, it's probably a feeling that it's okay to let them know separately.

However, for women, it's a very sensitive thing. I wanted my husband to give the utmost consideration, too. I wanted someone like that to be my husband.

No matter how hard I try, I can't forgive it.
That's fine. There are things we don't understand. Even when we're a family, there are boundaries we don't want you to step into. Let's keep a distance from people who don't understand or can't feel it.

A partner for life even if you don't think about an immediate divorce. Wouldn't it be nice to have that kind of existence?

Now, why don't you create a position you can be satisfied with? And let's protect our own heart.

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