I don't feel safe in a disconnected family.

I'm indebted to you.
I am always saved by your warm answers. Thank you very much.
I'm sorry for the same consultation as before.

It's painful every day to think about when I was a kid that I had strangely never had in my memory until now.

I'm grateful to my mom and dad. Everyone in my family was having a hard time and it was hard. I think so now.
People often say, “Remember good memories.”

However, I've experienced a lot of things I shouldn't have experienced, so even if I'm told that, my bad memories won't go away.

My mother called me a pig. Being hit or kicked. I was held with a kitchen knife and told to “stab me (my mother).”
They took me as a child to bars until morning due to poor upbringing, and often went out at night with a 500 yen coin on my desk.

My father was obsessed with playing pachinko with my older brother, even though he met once a month, and left me alone at the arcade for hours.

My older brother kicked me in the face and shed so much blood that it spread all over the floor. Every day for years, I was told “pigs,” “die,” and “don't wake up for the rest of my life.” The school handed out pieces of paper that said that my little sister is a pig.

Other than that, I was sexually victimized when I was in the first grade, and there were many other things.

I was a junior high school student and was truant for 2 years, and even after that, I couldn't go to high school, and I became a bad person.
I'm the only one who has been working from home since I was 18.
Now I can do housework at home.

But I'm lonely. I can't get rid of my loneliness for a long time. If you get involved with people, you'll be prickly and hurt your partner.

I am also indebted to my counselors and nurses a lot.
Even though I'm being supported, it's painful to feel down because of the same thing. I'm the only bad person, and I also feel self-loathing.
There is also the sadness of not being able to get along well with my family.

Could you please give me some advice?

4 Zen Responses

What you can do now to the extent that you can

It's been a very difficult time, but it's good to be able to live to this day.
Just being alive right now is a great thing.
Unfortunately, you can't change the past, and even family members are other people, so it's difficult to change others, isn't it?
At the end of the day, you should do what you can do now to the extent you can.
Also, on the other hand, you don't have to do what you don't need to do now.
For example, remembering painful things from the past may be something you don't need to remember now.
Even if you remember it, you'll feel sad, and the stress of anger will get stronger, and it won't help your mental and physical peace.
So, when things from the painful past go through your head,
“This is a delusional distraction. There is no need for delusional distractions now.”
Try to notice it quickly, take your mind off your delusional distractions as quickly as possible, and try to think about something else.
Also, moving the body, such as taking a walk, may have the effect of distracting delusional thoughts.
For example, if you lie down on a futon and have delusional distractions, it's easy to completely immerse yourself in the swamp of delusional distractions.
However, if you take a walk, read, watch music, or videos, play games or do housework, your consciousness (mind) can jump out of your delusional distractions and see new scenery.
New information may accompany new scenery, new emotions may accompany new information, and new feelings (physical condition) may accompany new emotions.
The mind comes and disappears moment by moment, and every moment it is reborn as a new heart, a new self.
Let's free your mind from the delusional distractions of the bad past and transport your mind to fresh scenery.
Audibles (listening and reading) are also a change of pace.

Don't be impatient, walk slowly with the help of those around you.

Thank you for your consultation.
I wonder how much suffering and sorrow they have lived with until now. Thank you for saving my life and consulting with you until today. I sincerely respect your ability to live.

In Buddhism, there is the term “mud lotus (lotus in the mud).” The deeper the mud, the bigger and more beautiful the lotus flowers. The fierce past you have experienced does not in any way detract from your own worth. Rather, my current appearance, which has continued to work since the age of 18 and is now able to handle housework, is a beautiful lotus flower itself blooming powerfully from deep mud.

There's no need to force yourself to fit the phrase “good memories.” Getting involved with people and getting prickly is also a defensive instinct to protect yourself so you don't get hurt any further. It's definitely not because you're a bad person. Please don't blame yourself.

Loneliness and family grief may not heal right away. However, you now have warm “relationships” with counselors, nurses, etc. that try to support you. Don't be impatient, walk slowly with the help of those around you.

First, please gently affirm yourself, saying, “I have survived well.” I sincerely hope that your heart will be filled with peaceful light.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

Take pleasant stimuli and influences from people you feel safe with.

The “family” and “memories” you think of are all painful, aren't they? The things that have been traumatic are just as painful as I remember them. Let's find expectations and fun in future encounters without thinking that we will be forced to overcome them.

It wasn't your fault, it wasn't that you lacked experience, and you were too strongly influenced by people close to you.

There are also things in the wide world and environment that can be a good stimulus for you.
What do you like? What are you interested in? What would you like to try?
It's also connected to Hasunoha in this way, isn't it? Let's connect the end of peace of mind. And while interacting, it would be nice if you became safe and confident in yourself. Let's take pleasant stimuli and influences from good people.

I'm praying that you can live with peace of mind

I read it.
I read that you have been made to have a very painful experience until now, that your family and people around you have done very terrible things, and that you are still living with those painful feelings.

I've been reading the questions from before, and it really conveys to me that you lived in a really difficult situation. I think you were living in an unimaginably difficult situation, and I don't think you can put your painful feelings in one word, and I don't think it's easy for people to understand. I also think it's hard to remember.

But it's really precious that you're alive now, and that you're alive first is very precious and irreplaceable. It might not seem like it to you, but it's important that you exist.

You've shared your thoughts here until now, and I think it's very important to get them out of your heart and share them with us and many others. That may not happen right away, but I think we also want to accept what you say here, and I hope that your pain will be reduced and your heart will be lightened, and by sharing you with many people, many people will also be able to connect with you and help many people live while sharing, and I think they will feel that they can understand the preciousness of living.

You may not feel at ease right now, but I sincerely hope that you will connect and share with us and many others, and that your Buddha, gods, and ancestors will kindly watch over you, leading to an easy life little by little.

Your relationship with your family may have been all that painful, but you are by no means alone; there are many connections here too, and I'm sure there are people who will cherish and support you from now on.
Please relax your mind little by little and feel at ease.
I sincerely pray to the Buddha, gods, and ancestors that you will be blessed with truly wonderful encounters and relationships in the future and that you can live every day with sincere peace of mind while being watched over by Buddha, gods, and ancestors. And I wholeheartedly support you.

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