I don't know my life guidelines

I'm really messed up and selfish, but I'm aware that it's disrespectful to everyone who has been struggling for the past year and is doing their best to live.
From an objective point of view, I grew up very blessed with a family environment, financial aspects, and relationships. People around me say that, and I'm keenly aware of it myself. However, they always affirmed and expected me that way, and even though I should have been given a lot of things, there is a feeling that all of them slip through between my fingers, and it's very scary.
Maybe they've lived a solid life while being clumsy until now. However, when I entered high school, I learned about social structures, human spirituality, historical backgrounds, etc. in Japanese and public classes, and I feel that the way I see the world surrounding me changed for better or worse. If you look at the internet, there are plenty of malicious (or hidden even if you're not aware of it) discriminatory words and ugly biases by humans who attack others and try to drag them down. Meanwhile, in front of my real self, there are people who smile kindly without changing anything. The intense gap between this hellish internet and the warm, real scenery seems to make me go crazy.
Other than that, if you look at the internet, if you read books, talk to others, you can often feel that there are many people in the world who are suffering unreasonably. Nevertheless, I feel unbearably sorry for being presumptuously worried that there are no inconveniences, that the meaning of my life that I have never experienced unfairness is empty.
This may be another story, but I began to realize that my heart soaked in the lukewarm water called happiness was extremely mean. It didn't change that I was also covered in discrimination, prejudice, and mean greed. It makes me think that my heart, which is getting so fat, that I'm a lowly person with a bad personality, and a half-hearted person.
The main premise that “we must live” itself makes me feel stuffy, and I feel that there is no point in my existence when I think about things I don't understand that I can think because I am such a free person.
Even if I know I shouldn't think about it, I just can't stop it.
How should we deal with this sense of emptiness and regret that comes from being blessed?
It really saves me when I get a word that can deceive my current self in a good sense. Sorry for the long post.

4 Zen Responses

“I think it's okay to live a more 'self-centered' life now.”

Your deep, serious, and kind personality came straight through the text of the consultation I received. While appreciating the blessed environment, you are aware of the unreasonableness of the world and are suffering in the face of your own inner ugliness.

In Buddhism, we humans are called “ordinary men (bonbu).” This means that everyone has self-centered desires, prejudice, and mean feelings (afflictions) in their hearts, and that they are immature and weak beings. The ugliness you find within yourself is by no means special; it is just a universal characteristic that humans inherently possess. Therefore, there is absolutely no need to undervalue yourself and despise yourself excessively, saying “I am humble.”

Being so heartbroken by the malice of the internet society and the unfairness of the world is proof that you have rich sensitivities. Never think “I have no meaning in thinking about this.” That shortness of breath is a precious pain that occurs only because you are trying to deal deeply with society and others.

If there is a “word that deceives yourself in a good sense” that I would like to tell you now, it is the phrase “you can live more 'egocentric' now.”

You don't have to shoulder all of the unfairness of the world and the suffering of others right now. First, in order to enrich your own life, please fully dedicate yourself to your studies and everyday life in front of you. A blessed environment is not something you should ever feel sorry for, and it is an important soil for your healthy growth.

The knowledge and education we have cultivated there, and above all, that painful and rich sensitivity now will surely one day be close to someone's unreasonable suffering and turn into a great power to relieve it.

Please feel safe now and focus on “your own growth and happiness.” I sincerely hope that the path you are about to take will be fruitful and rich.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

Cherish that you are blessed to live

I read it.
I read that you are worried about your situation, environment, and social situation. I don't know the details of you, but I accept your thoughts wholeheartedly.

It is also true that you and many others are loved and protected by many people and are living while receiving blessings.
Also, it is true that various forms of discrimination, prejudice, and hatred are swirling in society and the world.

There is a peaceful world, and there is also a world of anger, hatred, and strife.

It may be quite difficult for you to accept, and it may be stifling.
Therefore, I think it is also necessary to live at a reasonable distance from difficult things. That's because it's quite difficult to accept everything. I don't think you'll be in a hurry.

It is very important to have a firm understanding that you are living in such a situation. But don't be alarmed; please watch, listen, and verify for yourself while watching little by little that we are human beings.

I sincerely pray that you will continue to be blessed with many wonderful encounters and relationships and grow healthily, and that you will be able to live your lives by sincerely respecting each other and sharing compassion and happiness with many people.

Thanks to the people who raised me up to this point, even in terms of scarce experience.

You can look at things from various angles, right? Also, I am aware of human stupidity. At the same time, it is probably making life difficult.

It may be very difficult to live your own way in a human world where desires swirl. So, attack someone behind the scenes and put yourself in the upper hand. Only the Buddha who can see everything is probably being lamented.

It is “warm happiness” that you unknowingly have unconscious prejudice (unconscious bias) and feel the kindness directed at you while living. What I realized is that I think it would be better to just take it as it is.

You describe yourself as a lowly, bad personality, and half-hearted person, but I want to be honest with the feelings I feel, no matter what kind of speculations the other person has.

What I saw, thought, and felt. I have a self that feels like this, thanks to the people who have brought me up to this point, even if it was due to my poor experience. I think I want to cherish that fact. because there are two sides of the same coin...

As other teachers say, you should live while staring at “you just the way you are.” The edges stretched like a mesh will guide you in the direction you should go.

you are amazing

It's great that you, as a teenager, are aware of the reality of the world and are willing to take action.
As you have pointed out, there are many people in the world who are experiencing unreasonable suffering.
If you have even the slightest feelings for these people, then seriously consider getting a job that works for them in the future.
Now study a lot and broaden your horizons.
When it comes to the internet, stand in the position of using it rather than being used by you.
The greatest happiness in Buddhism is living for others.

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