My heart hurts the whole time

People sometimes ask, “Why did I live this way?”
I think desperately while looking back on past events.
Certainly, it's affecting who I am now.

However, “analyzing” it and “being able to get out of suffering”
I mean it's a different thing.

For example, suppose there are people who look back on the past and are suffering
If you do a self-analysis
“I wasn't loved in my childhood”
↓
“That's why I can't trust people”
↓
“That's why I get lonely”
You can analyze it up to this point, right?

But it's beyond
If you don't move on to “So how do you treat yourself now,”
Life continues to revolve around the same place of “known suffering.”

It may be similar to the story of reincarnation in Buddhism.
Reincarnation is not simply a “story about dying and being reborn.”
The purpose is to break out of the cycle of suffering.

If you move with anger, you will get angry again.

If you choose with anxiety, it will cause anxiety again.

If you live by “being yourself anyway,” you will begin collecting realities that prove it.

“The same suffering due to the same habits of mind” is repeated.
In other words, it is “reincarnation” of “known suffering.”

Buddhism doesn't say “deny the past.”
It's important to know the cause of suffering
However, if you turn suffering into “yourself,”
People unknowingly perceive “known suffering” as reassuring.

Actually, I can rest, but I don't take a break.
I can rely on it but I can't rely on it.
Even though I can refuse, I don't refuse.
When they seem to be happy, they break it for some reason

because
That's because “familiar suffering” is safer
Even if I'm lazy,
Nor is it a bad personality.
It is a “survival method” that has taken a long time and is ingrained in the body and mind

That's why what you need is not to blame yourself,
It's “learning new choices little by little and putting them into practice”

Rest properly
ask for help
Say no to bad things
Don't put yourself on the back burner
“I must not be happy”
Instead, I'm going to remember “choosing to live for me”

Coming out of reincarnation is not a special enlightenment,
I think it's about stopping the “usual way of suffering”
I think it takes courage to do something different than usual
In fact, I'm also gathering courage and living a little selfishly from a way of life where I keep blaming myself.
Start choosing a slightly different step that's all you need
From that moment on, the reincarnation up until now begins to come to an end little by little.

Sometimes it's better to let go (throw it away, give up) something when your mind and body are at your limit.
Is this something I absolutely have to do?
Will I die if I don't do it? Will humanity perish?
Let's think about it.
For example, I think it would be good to ask someone else to manage the fields (better take a break from farming and ask the Silver Human Resources Center etc. only to cut grass).
A life where you can only do what you can do anyway.
Even if you overdo it, the limit will come.
If that's the case, I think one option is to cut corners and become a pro.
After that, it's a good idea to refresh your thoughts and emotions (think about something completely different) in order to rest your brain.
Or, how about making time to not think about anything by doing mindfulness or Vipassana meditation?

I also read the previous question. I got married to be happy, but it makes me regret why this happened. Even if you try hard, you'll blame yourself, have regrets and hate, and you'll be exhausted.

Has the divorce been finalized since then? You said “husband,” so they're probably still separated. However, I am the child's caregiver. Let's get proper financial support. Even if you get divorced, your life is financially guaranteed, with child support, alimony for infidelity, and property division. Fight hard and protect your rights. Why don't you talk to an attorney or “Law Terrace”?

Also, in terms of age, things aren't going the way they used to be. There is no choice but to revise the design in the future. Fields are also manual labor. For example, there is also a way to keep it in a kitchen garden and rent out other spaces by consulting a “farmland bank.”

If you have any concerns about your parents' old age, talk to the “Regional Comprehensive Support Center.”
There are various consultation desks and support. Let's think about it together without carrying it alone or crying and falling asleep and giving up. And please put down your feelings with Hasunoha.

I read it.
I also read your previous question. I think you've been desperately enduring and working hard until now. I don't know the details about you, your husband, or everyone in your family, but it conveys your very painful feelings. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
Please talk to many people about what you are facing right now and ask them to support you, and please take care of your own mind and body.
Let's talk about your painful feelings to people you can trust and various counselors. Also, be proactive in receiving advice and support.

I think you've received DV from your husband.
https://www.gender.go.jp/policy/no_violence/dv_navi/index.html
https://www.pref.okayama.jp/page/298079.html
Also, your mind and body are probably in a very difficult situation, so why don't you get a thorough examination at a medical institution. Let's get a thorough diagnosis and deal with symptoms of not being able to sleep or menopausal symptoms as appropriate.

Talk to your local child family support center or child counseling center about your child's growth and ask them to actively support them.

First of all, don't take care of yourself, get help from many people and take care of your mind and body little by little.

The husband is responsible for raising the children. Let's ask the local government and Mr. Lawyer to deal with that point as well.

You're never alone, and you're in touch with us here too.

I sincerely pray that you will be supported by many people in the future and that you can live a healthy life every day with your children and family.
Also, please let us know how you feel, and I will support you from the bottom of my heart.