My own failure

When I was in the 5th grade of elementary school, when the kids in my class stepped on both ends of the broom while cleaning, I was hanging a rag, and my finger was stepped on by that broom. They didn't apologize even when I said it was painful, and I didn't like that kid anymore.

After that, when deciding who would ride on top in the gymnastic exercises, it became that kid instead of me who was the shortest, and I felt “disturbed again” and hit hard. As a result, that child became truant, and the mother directly told her that “my daughter became truant because of you,” and I realized the seriousness of the incident for the first time. Afterwards, I apologized through my teacher.

I was unreasonable about the gymnastic exercises. However, I've always been worried about whether I was 100% bad. The fact that I made my classmate become truant, and that I was emotionally angry and hurt by my friends and classmates over and over again is still a big complex.

On the other hand, when I was in elementary school, I was hit hard at home. I often received negative comments from my mother.
My mother seemed to be treated harshly by her grandmother at her parents' house, and she was told that story even though she didn't want to listen to it, and she was disparaged as “similar to the way my boss spoke, which I hated.”
My father held my mother's shoulder.
Occasionally, I remember those days, and when it got tough, when I complained to my father that “everything was blamed on me,” he said, “My mother was more troublesome than me, so it was my fault.” It means they used me as a saucer to maintain balance within the family.
As a result, I think I was mentally unstable at the time. When I was in elementary school, I think I was my mother's mirror. Is this a form of indulgence in order not to think it's my fault?

However, when I was in the 6th year of elementary school, when I went to a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with a tendency on the autism spectrum, and I was later told by my parents at the hospital that my obsession was strong and I would get into trouble with school children due to that effect.

I'm working as a member of society now, and I'm spending my time peacefully while being bullied as a “strange person” by people around me. However, unlike in the past, I feel like I'm deceiving people at work, and it can get tough.

I'm sorry for the incoherent situation.
I would appreciate your words.

4 Zen Responses

Responsibility and emancipation

I read your consultation.

The events of the past have penetrated deep into you even now, and you won't leave. I understand your feelings.

If you listen to the story, I think there is no doubt that your home environment when you were in elementary school had a big impact on you. People depend on their environment, so in that sense, you certainly aren't the only one to blame.

Your mother's attitude towards you can be directed at others by you. There is no denying such an unfavorable chain, so to speak.

But the important thing is, if it's not just your fault, aren't you at fault? I think that's it.

Everyone is a baby when they are born. They are famous baseball players, amazing doctors, and even criminals. After all, this will probably happen depending on the relationships (conditions and environment) they meet. But if relationships alone decide everything, it becomes a theory of fate. If free will is not recognized there.

Even in the midst of the conditions and restrictions of endless relationships pouring down, I find for myself some responsibility for making decisions that “I will (did)”. That's probably important.

it's not just your fault. But you certainly have responsibilities too.

That attitude is what makes you independent in living your life. If everything is decided by relationships, then there is no point in you living your life. What to do has already been decided.

That's not it. An overview of the fact that I am the only one who lives who I am, and that even so, my relationships greatly influence me. Or freedom from individual responsibility.

While maintaining this balance, think about where we should have a point of view now. I hope you can accept the events of your past in it.

I think that child and parents are the cause

I read it.
I read your past events and various thoughts. I don't know the details about you or the people around you, but it really conveys that you have had a very difficult time until now. I sincerely understand that painful feeling.
The incident with you may have something to do with that child's truancy, but I don't think you're the only one side at fault.
It's probably true that that kid did something terrible to you, and you probably didn't feel good about that kid because you didn't feel bad about it. So I think the cause was the child itself.
Also, I think you were deeply hurt by your parents saying and receiving terrible things. Of course it's not your fault.
Please share your painful feelings to the extent possible here as well.
Also, if possible, you can share your thoughts with your parents, and I think it's okay for them to take it firmly. I don't know what your parents think and how they talk to you, but I think it's necessary for your parents to accept your feelings.
Also, you are probably being examined by a specialist or counselor, so please be sure to tell them your feelings as you can think of them.
Please never blame yourself and take care of yourself.
I sincerely pray that your thoughts will be clearly conveyed and accepted by your parents and people you trust, that you will be accepted by everyone and that you can live your future with care, compassion, and health with each other, so that you can live every day with peace of mind.
And I will support you from the bottom of my heart.

An unchangeable past and a way to live

Thank you for your consultation.
Shiragoma, if you were a person who really said “only I was bad,” I wouldn't suffer for years like this.

What's more, white sesame seeds
I'm also watching my own unreasonableness.
It didn't end with just “I was hurt, so I couldn't help it,”
I haven't run away from the “I hurt my opponent” part either.

That's why it's still painful right now, isn't it?
but
When you're a kid, anyone
I am greatly influenced by my family.

It is denied at home.
It is used as a saucer.
I don't feel safe.

It's difficult for children to sort out their emotions in such a situation.

Moreover, white sesame itself is easily damaged,
I think they also had a strong sense of commitment.

So back then
The “wounded child” was further colliding with his surroundings
I think it was in good condition.

So even if it's “all my parents' fault,” “it's all because of white sesame seeds”
But it's not.

Also, “my calm self now is a fake”
It's not.

Everyone changes people. My old self is real, and my current self is real
There are no fakes.

It failed,
I felt hurt
Learn little by little, and depending on the environment
It's changing.

That's why today's white sesame seeds are also really real.

What is a sense of guilt
I will try to make amends by continuing to suffer

But what is really important is “how do we live from now on”
Isn't that it?

Now I work as a member of society, and I spend my time peacefully while being teased by people around me as a “strange person.”
It's wonderful and human.
Even so, they are struggling with past events.
This one, too, is wonderfully human.

After that, rather than a way of life where you stabilize yourself by continuing to bind yourself with a sense of guilt
Along with that sense of guilt, cherish people and speak softly
Accumulating small acts of kindness and living carefully in current relationships
etc., I want to live a life where I can turn that suffering into happiness.
I'm sorry for being so incoherent, too.

It's something you experience, find a way to get stronger, and become an adult.

I think the fact that you are blessed with an environment where you now work as a member of society is also due to your hard work. You've worked so hard up to this point.

There are times when I still remember past events, and I'm not satisfied with them.
It makes me want to shout (that's unreasonable... I have my say, and I've been hurt too), doesn't it?

This feeling, where should I take it, is also remorse that it has become emotional, isn't it? It was probably also influenced by the home environment.

Even so, you are a person who can properly apologize, and working as a member of society while dealing with various people up to this point is a great growth, and you are a person with the ability to face yourself.

When I was a child, I was immature when it came to communicating, and my balance of mind was poor. Every child finds a way to become stronger while experiencing being hurt and crying due to their own behavior without understanding the other person's feelings.
So, it's not like they're deceiving people at work; that's how everyone becomes an adult. You should think that everyone around you is like that too.

Your colleagues at work will be a reassuring presence for you from now on, and please rely on Hasunoha, which is connected in this way. While doing that, let's get along well with ourselves.

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