I want to die.

I read it.

I'm just being annoyed by the past.

Because the past doesn't go back, I feel that the habit (habit) of chasing the past as if writing with regret has not been removed has become a current situation (mind) where the habit (habit) of chasing the past has not been removed.

A day's accumulation is a year, and a year's accumulation is a lifetime, but a day is a small lifetime.
It's a life where you don't know when natural disasters, natural disasters, accidents, etc. will occur. It's the same for me.
In Buddhism, I particularly think about “living only for the present” called “right now, right now (right now).”
It's a heart that avoids things you're not good at, as if you practice, you'll improve at everything, but good medicine is a pain in your mouth, so let's think about practicing (making a habit) living only for the present.
Since people put the past and future into this “now,” the present becomes heavy.
The first step is to free yourself from prejudice (rather, obsession, attachment) within yourself.
The true doctrine in Buddhism is “middle way.” ※It also comes up a lot on the internet.
The brain's understanding ends with just understanding, and it recurs again. By infiltrating what you have understood with your head into your heart, you will be able to see true understanding.
Buddhism takes suffering as a matter of course when living a life. Studying Buddhism does not free you from suffering; it is also the teaching of Buddha that you learn how to accept a difficult state of mind and live your life.

Don't forget your hopes.

Always in the future, always now.

Gassho

You're writing about cancer treatment without hesitation, but I'm sure you've had an unexpectedly difficult time for others.
Losing my job under such circumstances and being estranged from close people seems to have been unavoidable now.
For those of you who will continue to have hardships in life, I recommend that you take the plunge and use Buddhism as your companion in life.
You don't need to join any denomination.
For example, it's enough just to meditate or zazen (if it's difficult to continue alone, it's a good idea to go to a zazen session) and make it a habit to read books describing Buddha's teachings (the one book I recommend is “Dhammapada,” after all).
In the US, such people are called “nightstand buddists (they are called so because they read Buddhist books under nightstands at night),” and it is said that there are many.
As the Buddha acknowledged, there are good people and bad people in the world.
Also, there are good events in life and bad events.
Under such circumstances, it is Buddhism that teaches us the path of comfort.
I will introduce only one verse from “Dhammapada.”
“Have fun with Tsutome Hagemu. protect your heart. Get yourself out of trouble. ── Like an elephant that fell into a quagmire” (translated by Nakamura Hajime, Iwanami Bunko, “Buddha's Words of Truth and Inspiration”)

I read it.
While you're working hard every day, you've made a mistake and it's very painful, isn't it? You think you're stupid and don't want to die, but you think you have no choice but to die. I don't know the details of you or your surroundings, but I accept your feelings from the bottom of my heart.

I think you have expressed and shared your various thoughts with us here. Your thoughts and ideas have clearly reached us, and I think they have also reached Buddha, gods, and ancestors.

I'm very distressed because I think you've made a mistake, so please keep sharing that thought.
Life is very difficult, things don't go well, and mistakes are made. That's because we are.

Please share your thoughts with us, put your hands together and confess to the Buddha, gods, and ancestors as they are, please exhale your weak voice, and clearly tell them about your suffering.

The Buddha, gods, and ancestors always gently watch over you, gently accept you, and save you. Please don't worry and let out your suffering and painful feelings in a weak voice.
Buddha, gods, and ancestors will watch over your life anytime and anywhere.
You can keep on living.

I sincerely pray to the Buddha, gods, and ancestors so that you can continue to live every day with peace of mind while helping each other. We wholeheartedly agree
And I wholeheartedly support you.

What is written in the profile is also the root problem, isn't it?

I'm anxious and scared, and every reaction happening in my body makes me feel unbearably frightening.

there's no way you can break free from me... It cannot be erased or removed. No matter how heavy it is to accept it, it's also a state where it's impossible to carry alone.

That's why it makes me want to die, right?
I know how lonely you feel when you have a family.

Even if you feel frustrated that you have no choice but to connect here, I always want to be by your side.

It's not a weakness; it's the suffering I've had. Spit it out with Hasunoha. Let's share it this way.

Also, I am holding a location meeting in Wakayama city and a monthly online meeting “Papageno Time” for people who want to die.

A place where if you say you want to die, they'll accept it. they said it was Hasunoha.
I'm with you.

The fact that I manage to do it every day is a great thing in itself.
If you have made a mistake in the direction you are trying your best, it will be a detour if you correct the direction now, and that's fine.
It just so happens that all the people around you feel the most foolish are excellent people. If you expand your horizons to the rest of the world, you will be among the best people.
A foolish person is someone who murders, steals, fraud, infidelity, or drunkenness.
You're not stupid.
Please say in your heart that this is fine.
This is Bakabon's dad's habit in the comic “Bakabon.”
Incidentally, the name Bakabon means an enlightened person (vagabond).
Any option in the past was the best choice for me at the time.
That's fine.
Please don't blame yourself and praise them for their hard work.
Please spend every day thanking yourself for your hard work and appreciating the people around you who support you.
If you have a weak voice for your family and your family is having trouble dealing with it, please mute your voice for Hasunoha.
My field of vision is often narrower when I want to die.
Find a way out of sight where you don't have to die.
If there is an opportunity, it would be nice if we could exchange opinions and information with people who have the same concerns.