About visiting my father's grave that had been isolated

I would like to express my deepest condolences on the passing of your father.

You didn't want to see your father when he was seriously ill, and now it's you who would like to put your hands together in front of the grave.

“Which one is the real me?”

You might think so, but they're both you.

A feeling that I couldn't forgive during my lifetime took the lead. However, now that he has passed away, I think “he was my father after all” and “I want to put our hands together once.” I think that feeling is very natural.

So what does your late father think?

No one can say for sure.

However, when I think about my father's last wish to “meet you at first sight,” I think my daughter is happy that she comes to her grave.

It doesn't matter if you go with your mother.

Please do not visit graves to be afraid of “being offended,” but rather visit graves to deliver your own feelings of “thank you,” “I'm sorry,” and “please be at ease.”

In the Jodo Shinshu sect, the deceased are held by Amida's mercy, and we are asked to become Buddha and watch over us.

Buddha is not someone who continues to hold grudges and anger during our lifetime and blame us.

So feel free to put your hands together.

The tears shed in front of the grave and the unspeakable thoughts are enough as they are.

Gassho

Thank you very much for your consultation.

I was so deeply hurt that I had to be isolated from my father for over 10 years, and now that he has passed away, I feel that the fact that “we didn't meet for the last time” and “didn't even go to the funeral” torments your heart.

But first I want to tell you something.

I don't think you isolated yourself because you wanted to hate your father. I think they were hurt, suffered, and as a result, they had no choice but to keep their distance. The fact that we didn't go see each other wasn't because we wanted to be unfaithful to our parents, and I think that was the best choice for you at that time. Please don't keep blaming yourself back then.

I also understand very well the feeling that “if you go to visit graves, they might get mad at you.” However, I think it's okay to let go of that worry for a moment.

In the Jodo Shinshu sect, it is taught that those who have died are made into Buddha by the work of Amida. Buddhas are not bound by anger or resentment during their lifetime. Rather, they are beings that accept people's suffering and sorrow as they are and watch over them with a heart of compassion.

Therefore, I don't think they continue to have feelings from during their lifetime, such as “I'm angry because I didn't come during my lifetime” or “I'm angry because I brought my former wife.”

Also, as to the question “If I become a Buddha, will I be able to understand people's feelings and circumstances,” I think “yes.”

When we are alive, we look at things bound by our own positions and feelings. However, the Buddha has the wisdom to leave such obsession and see everything as it is, whether it is his partner's suffering or his own failure.

That's why I think your father is now watching you live with hurt, suffering, and conflict.

If you were to go visit graves, you would say, “We didn't meet at that time. But today we're here to put our hands together.” I think that one word is enough. I don't think there's any need to apologize or make excuses. You just need to convey your feelings as they are.

Visiting graves isn't just for people who died. It is also an important time for those left behind to sort out their own minds little by little and reconnect their relationships with the deceased.

The fact that you are about to head to the grave itself is an expression of your desire to cherish your relationship with your father. I'm sure that feeling will reach my father, who became a Buddha.

Ankoromochi-sama

There are words in the sutras, “May this merit spread to all of us and all sentient beings to co-exist Buddhism” and “I hope this merit will be applied to everything that we, sentient beings (shujo), and everyone (Minato) will establish (join) Buddhism.”
It means “if you accumulate merits, may you achieve Buddhism for yourself and all living things,” and it is a phrase that expresses the great mercy of the Buddha who wishes for the happiness of many people around him.

You probably have a lot of feelings for your father and his family. Anger, fear, or unforgivable feelings or abandonment. You can have that kind of feeling, and you don't have to force yourself to erase it. However, by doing merit and memorial services, those who have died receive it, their soul (or spirit) is nourished, and they can gradually stay safe and stable in the Buddha's place.

So, please go visit graves when you can. You can go with your mother. It may be disgusting at first, but by hanging one of the flowers or incense sticks, the ancestors in that house, starting with the father, are saved and nurtured.
It's no wonder you don't understand it, but eventually they will express their gratitude to you and change into someone who protects you.
Then you are nurtured along with those who passed away and who you are now.
This is the original meaning of “memorial service,” so it doesn't matter what you can do. Please hold a memorial service so that you don't overdo your feelings.
Gassho ceremony

I read it.
Please be sure to visit us.

I sincerely pray that grandparents and dads will be at ease. We wholeheartedly agree
Please pray from the bottom of your heart that your grandparents and father will be at ease. We wholeheartedly agree

Grandparents and fathers were warmly guided by Buddha and God, and close people and ancestors who went earlier greet grandparents and fathers kindly. Grandparents and fathers reunite with their ancestors under Buddha and God, are saved from all hesitation and suffering, and are all freed from anger, grudge, and hatred.
Grandparents and fathers attain Buddhism cleanly and peacefully without any sorrow under God Buddha.
Your grandparents, and your father will always watch over you and everyone peacefully along with your ancestors, the Buddha God.

Please don't worry and pray.

I sincerely pray for your grandparents, father, ancestors, and grandparents so that you can continue to be warmly watched over by your grandparents and father, and that you can live every day with peace of mind with everyone, and that you can live a healthy and happy life with each other by caring and helping each other. We wholeheartedly agree

Your mother and you suffered deeply due to your father's infidelity, so it's only natural that you couldn't forgive and not meet until the end. There is absolutely no need to blame yourself for “unfaithful parents.”

The father's misconduct is also due to the “anguish” that humans have. We, ordinary people, are weak, and sometimes we make foolish mistakes. However, frankly speaking, fathers and grandparents who became Buddhas never got angry, saying “I don't want them to come back now” or “why did they even come to my former wife.” This is because those who have already become Buddha no longer have any feelings of worry or anger during their lifetime.

“Pure Land,” which is the Buddha's world, is a peaceful world of “nirvana silence,” where all obsessions and grudges have disappeared. By becoming a Buddha, I am now able to deeply understand people's hearts and circumstances, and rather, I am simply watching over you and your mother, who made you have a hard time during your lifetime. If you don't even like your mother, please come and pray with her.

More than 10 years ago, before that happened, I think there was a “good dad” part somewhere. Also, it is because of your father that you are being given your life here and now. I think it's difficult to get rid of “unforgivable feelings” right away, but by putting your hands together at the grave and letting go of those thoughts little by little, your own heart will surely become lighter. Please feel free to go and pray for them.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo