I want the confidence to make my daughter happy

This is the person who previously got divorced here with her 1-year-old daughter from her ex-husband's DV, and discussed whether father-son visitation should be held thereafter.
From then on, when I went to psychosomatic medicine, I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder caused by my ex-husband, so I am in a state where visitation was postponed for that reason.

Thanks to you, I'm having a really peaceful everyday life, and my daughter's emotions have stabilized. I have come back to my parents' house, so my daughter is loved by her grandparents, my friends often come to play, and I think she is living a lively life surrounded by many people.

However, at an unexpected moment, I am often driven by a sense of remorse as to whether this is really OK. Recently, joint custody has been recognized, so we often see such topics on TV and the internet. There, very harsh words are lined up, such as “no matter how many marital problems there are, the custodial parent who wants to break up with the child doesn't think anything about the child” or “running away with the child because I don't like my husband is a biological child kidnapping,” and I am tormented by a sense of guilt that I may have made a very egocentric choice.
Even my ex-husband, who I don't want to see my face again, is my daughter's only father. I feel sorry for my daughter who got divorced due to my circumstances and was unable to live with her father. I think over and over again whether it would be better for my daughter to have visitation with her ex-husband even if it were impossible... but in fact, if my state of mind worsens because of that, my daughter will also become emotionally unstable, so I feel that is also wrong.

My former husband was also a person who rants at my daughter, so it's painful not to have confidence in my choices, even though there is absolutely no such thing as being better than not getting divorced.
I poured love out to my father's side, and I got divorced because I was prepared to make them happy, but it soon faltered.

I want confidence that this is fine.
What should I do?

4 Zen Responses

You don't need to be overwhelmed by public opinions or feelings of guilt about the past

I would like to express my deep respect for your decision to overcome this difficult experience and protect your daughter's peaceful daily life. Please be confident in your choices. Counselors are by no means self-centered, and they act out of deep love that wishes for their daughter's happiness the most.

Heartless words that overflow on the internet and the world are nothing more than irresponsible voices that don't know individual circumstances. There's absolutely no need to worry about it. It is said that the former husband was also raging on his daughter. “Postponement” to protect a daughter who is still one year old and cannot show her intentions from danger or heartbreak is the best choice as a parent, and it is definitely not wrong (*if there is a legal decision, etc., it is necessary to follow it). It's not like I'll reject it forever in the future, and I should consider it again after my daughter is in elementary school and is able to put my intentions into words.

In Buddhism, we value peace of mind in the “now, this moment.” You don't need to be overwhelmed by public opinion or guilt about the past. Surrounded by the warm relationships of her parents' house, the “current peaceful everyday life,” where the mother can spend her time peacefully and smiling, stabilizes the daughter's emotions and makes her happier than anything else.

Please don't carry “until your father's portion” on your back alone, and walk in a dignified manner while borrowing lots of warm love from your parents, friends, etc. I wholeheartedly support the counselor and her daughter for a peaceful future.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

There's no need to worry about the shared custody system

　It was painful to have to give up alimony and child support in order to finish divorce discussions quickly. If divorce discussions and divorce mediation are prolonged, Jia's body and mind will be exhausted, so I think it was an unavoidable choice.
It seems that joint custody has come to be recognized due to the Civil Code revision, but when I read the purpose of the revisions, I can only think of it as an illusion of Ministry of Justice officials. Under the sole custody system, it seems that there were many cases where the side that lost custody selfishly interpreted “I am no longer a parent (the legal relationship has ended)” and did not pay child support. The idea seems to be that by establishing a system called joint custody and continuing to be a legal “person with parental authority” even after divorce, a sense of responsibility for raising children is maintained, which leads to motivation to pay child support. It seems that the law was revised by referring to foreign countries that have introduced joint custody, but it seems that there is no clear data in foreign countries that “the payment rate increased because they had joint custody.” There also seem to be many voices questioning the effects of the joint custody system.
Even if it is a father, a person who does not intend to fulfill his responsibilities as a parent cannot “face his father.”

I think they had sole custody when they got divorced. Even if the father asks for joint custody, if there is a risk of abuse and joint custody harms the child's interests, the court determines that it is sole custody. Joint custody is impossible unless the former husband changes his mind and attitude so much.
This does not mean that law revisions are completely useless. Even if child support arrangements were not made (or discussions were not possible) at the time of divorce, parents raising children can now automatically claim the minimum child support as stipulated by Ministry of Justice ordinance against their partner based on the law.

In any case, even if they are fathers, there is no need to interview people who don't try to fulfill their responsibilities in parenting and who rant at children. There is no need to grant joint custody. There's no need to be frightened by silly comments such as “biological child kidnapping.” In Jia's case, she should do her best with sole custody. I think the system called joint custody is a system with the purpose of valuing the parent-child relationship between parents and children even though the marital relationship has broken down. There is no need to be considerate of an ex-husband who doesn't feel like that.
First, it is essential to prepare Jia's mental and physical health and stabilize her daily life. Also, please do your best so that your child grows healthily while receiving support from parents and those around you.

It's up to 100 triplets of souls. We support childcare!

I received Gia's consultation.

In order to get away from her ex-husband's DV, she went through a lot of hardships, and finally got divorced.

You also gave the house in your own name to your partner at an exceptional price, and you finally broke up with your husband who had an affair without putting any money into the house and never coming back.

I really observe the faces of my daughter and mother. Isn't it the best way to nourish a daughter's heart when her mother is doing well, always smiling and having fun?

If it's a divorce for your daughter, if that fluctuates, your daughter will feel uneasy again.

It's a divorce once decided. It's a divorce that I worked hard to get.
Please don't worry and live a strong life.

That's because of her mother, Jia, that created the environment around her daughter now.

Please take your time and take good care of yourself.

It's called Triplet Souls up to 100.

This is the most important and important time.
I'm a girl, and even if I spoil myself too much, I don't think I'll do too much.

It is said that both parents are alive and well and that they love them. I'm really glad.

And Jia definitely felt new again and didn't look back on her past (divorce is like that. Please go on with your next life.)

Then, Jia raised her daughter properly, raised her child firmly to the point where she established her will, and worked hard and proved until she can say that Jia's decision was not wrong,

Isn't it OK to think about meetings etc. again after that?

Right now, I just want you to take good care of every day with your daughter.

That's because for my daughter, Jia is the only one important parent in the world that she can rely on.

Please be confident and be your daughter's mother.

I wholeheartedly support you.

The existence of a father isn't important. Being protected makes children happy.

I'm relieved to hear that your current environment is safe and secure.
You don't have to blame yourself for being hurt.

Parents tend to think that for their children, they are stealing their children's potential and future. My ex-husband's violence also caused such trouble. You saved your child's life and future. Children owe their smiles to you.

You can't decide whether you feel sorry for your child or not. Children are children, and they are watching their parents closely. How much love does my mother give me, how much care people around me have, and what kind of person my father is?

Living with and meeting your father isn't the happiness you give.
As your child grows up, you'll understand it. The fact that my mother protected me.
The existence of a father isn't important. Being protected is a child's happiness.

It's fine. You're not wrong, and your child is happy.

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