Should I attend my biological father's wake farewell ceremony

I would like to use it for the first time and consult with you. I filled in the details in the account edit form.
My biological father remarried his unfaithful partner and has been naturalized for about 20 years. Two people live in my former parents' house nearby,

My biological father has been given a life expectancy declaration. He also has dementia, so the person himself is not difficult or serious, there is no sense of urgency, and his tyrannical words and attitudes do not change.

When I was hospitalized due to a change in physical condition, I communicated with the emergency services and went through hospitalization procedures etc. for my biological child. The wife, who is in the position of a wife, doesn't understand, and it seems that she wasn't able to deal with those things because her body was struggling. I go to the salon almost every day and go out with my friends because I'm tired of waiting for regular examinations and my legs are bad.

When my father was hospitalized, my second wife's daughter (daughter with her former husband) came out from afar. My second wife declined because she had a biological child, so I declined, saying that it would be a nuisance, but since they came out, I split it up and handed over the item for my mother's support and expressed my gratitude.
They were asked to explain the condition together, and after making arrangements, they got in my father's car (used by my second wife's daughter and grandson, under the father's name even after returning my father's license) and went home. There is also gratitude for being raised by my father, but there is also a feeling of contempt, and there are no feelings of emotion or irritability.
I've been involved for many years while feeling pain, so once my father passes away, I don't want to get involved with my second wife or her daughter at all. (That daughter may not know that she remarried due to infidelity) Attendance at the wake and farewell ceremony is not positive either. After all, any toxic parent makes sense, and it's hard to sort out their feelings about whether they should separate the emotional part and attend.
As for my father's friendship, my second wife talks and promotes my existence in a difficult and difficult way, so it is said that my partner knows me even though I don't know him, and he always hears from my second wife. I don't understand what they're saying. I gave my second wife's other daughter my cell phone number without permission, so I've received yelling phone calls from that daughter before. The content is about taking care of your parents. Personal information has also been spread, and it is impossible to recognize a second wife.
They ostensibly face each other bluntly and communicate medical examinations and examination results.

4 Zen Responses

Choosing to protect yourself until the end

I read the text over and over again.

The first thing I felt was that you never ran away from your parents. She stood between her parents from an early age, protected her mother, supported her even after adulthood, and undertook her father's medical examinations and hospitalization procedures. Originally, I think children have been carrying burdens they didn't have to carry for a long time.

On top of that, I'll say it.

There is no absolute right answer to “I have to go to the funeral because I'm a parent.”

A funeral is a ceremony for those who have died, and at the same time, it is also a time for living people to sort out their minds. If attending, your heart is deeply hurt, and you can see that you are facing new suffering with your second wife or her family, choosing not to attend is also a sincere decision.

On the other hand, if you feel even a little bit that “you might regret it later,” there is also a way to burn incense for a short time and go home quietly. This is because funerals are not for the evaluation of those around you, but for your own satisfaction.

In the Jodo Shinshu sect, it's important to respect your parents, but they don't even teach them to keep sacrificing yourself. Even if it is a parent and child, they are beings that don't go the way they want each other, and it is humans who live while accepting that reality.

Please think based on “which choice will allow me to live a quiet life in the future” rather than “how the world sees it.”

You've done enough to fulfill your responsibilities. I don't think it's necessary to impose on yourself the obligation to continue to shoulder until the end. Please take care of your heart too.

It's safer to leave

Even if you abandon your inheritance, you have to talk about administrative matters.
We can also take a break from work if it's a death for both of us, but it can be troublesome if we do it again at a later date.
There is also a possibility that the other party will think that you are talking about inheritance right after the funeral, but in the case of abandoning the inheritance, there is also a deadline for the procedure, and in order to proceed smoothly with such administrative discussions, it is better to leave the funeral.
Even though the relationship is bad, if you don't go to the funeral, you will be extra opposed, and there is a risk of trouble such as not being able to issue the necessary documents.
I think it would be cool and safer to put aside the emotional theory and deal with adults.
Buddhism encourages compassion.
Anger is a type of anguish (cause of worry, suffering, and stress).
Letting go of anger and treating it with compassion can help reduce your own stress.
Also, if you have children, having them experience a relative's funeral is a valuable life experience.

Please take care of yourself

I read it.
I read that you are very worried about whether or not you will attend your father's funeral, which is about to be celebrated.
You've probably had a very difficult time with your parents until now. And even now, I think they are being treated unfairly by their father, second wife, and children, making them feel disgusting. I think your painful feelings are something that only you can understand, but I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.

If I were to speak from the standpoint of being a monk, I think it would be desirable to attend the wake and funeral in order to see off my father to the extent possible. There must have been a lot of things with you until now due to the parent-child relationship. I think it's very important for you to send someone who can leave based on that too. That doesn't mean that various things can be settled, but I think it's possible to set a break even a little bit within your own feelings.

As for my personal opinion... I don't know about their personalities, values, or way of life. However, if you are treated badly by those people, are being coerced or demanded of various things, and if you feel very painful or deeply hurt, I don't think you need to dare to attend the wake or funeral. Even though the location is different, you can put your hands together to hold a memorial service so that your father will be at peace with all your heart.
If it seems like a disaster for you, I think it's okay to stay away from those people, and I don't think it's necessary to overdo it and have a hard time.

Please make a decision by carefully examining it yourself.

I sincerely pray that you will be blessed with relationships with your loved ones for the future, that you can live a peaceful and rich life with compassion and respect for each other, and that you can live with peace of mind and peace of mind away from bad relationships and disasters.
And I wholeheartedly support you and everyone.

Also, I sincerely pray to the Buddha and my ancestors that they will fully survive the life given to them by their father and feel at ease. We wholeheartedly agree

Why don't you let your wife take responsibility? Let's be free now.

It's really unreasonable, isn't it? I also read my profile. When you get remarried, I thought that this kind of situation would eventually happen, and I wanted them to make a promise so that they wouldn't be bothered by your daughter.

If you really want to break up the relationship, even if you get in touch, your father has a wife (who is in a marriage relationship), so let's leave it up to you.

Even if you are a biological child, you still have a spouse. It doesn't matter if my wife doesn't understand or how old she is. You will refuse. That's your right, too. Refuse to contact people you don't want to get involved with.

If you do that, you won't even be contacted about the funeral. If it's an inheritance issue, you'll be contacted about anything, but if you don't respond, you can trouble the other side. This is because we cannot proceed without you, the heir. You can just leave them alone and let them get in trouble.

Don't you need to be this dedicated? I got married to get along with my current wife, so why don't you let my wife take responsibility? Let's be free now.

Also, if it becomes an inheritance issue, it is better to ask a lawyer only then, so you won't get hurt, and it will go smoothly.

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