Are there any mistakes between the meaning of memorial services and these values

First, please forgive me for asking disrespectful questions even though I am a high school student and unfamiliar with Buddhist manners and deep teachings. I am currently a 17-year-old examinee, and I was absent from my grandparents' first memorial service that was held today. There is also a reason why I have just entered summer vacation and want to concentrate on my studies, but more than that, I came to this decision based on the sense of incongruity I had during the funeral I attended before and my own values for the memorial service.
At the gathering after finishing the funeral and cremation at that time, I felt a certain atmosphere. It was very similar to the “don't hit me” and “I want it to finish quickly” felt during school classes, and in other words, it looked like a negative attitude of “I want to go home early without getting involved with my relatives.”
Originally, I understand that a memorial service is a place where memorial services are held in memory of the deceased, and relatives who have been left behind gather to wish for mutual happiness and to deepen friendship. However, in reality, all my relatives faced each other in an awkward manner, and my family didn't try to get involved proactively, and the time just passed when they became obsolete. What was even more puzzling was the scene where our relative's uncle, who was twice older, poured tea to us, children we had almost met for the first time. Originally, it was a scene where we, young people, should move, but I felt sorry and a kind of misery for causing unnecessary concern to adult relatives without guidance from parents.
I'm not denying memorial services or memorial services themselves. I think the heart of believing in religion is wonderful, and today, when I was absent, I plan to join hands in front of a portrait at home and hold my own memorial service. What I'm questioning is a familiar relationship called a “meeting” with no substance, only a formal one.
I have decided that it is not reasonable for me to attend a formal gathering with relatives whose names and faces don't match, and whose names and faces don't match, for a limited amount of time. The inability to imagine situations where help from relatives would be needed in the future was also a reason that encouraged the absence. My current value is that these events should be held by people who have time to spare.
However, at the root of this decision, there is a part that I still haven't sorted out, whether it's a 100% pure feeling because I feel that my daily repulsion against my parents is mixed.
Is my idea that I don't participate in formal meetings and concentrate on what needs to be done precisely because I have a sincere intention to make a memorial service is wrong from the perspective of a Buddhist practitioner?

4 Zen Responses

Because they're usually estranged

I think being able to meet relatives who are usually estranged is also the real thrill of ceremonial occasions.
For example, there are conversations that lead to family pride and familiarity even in casual conversations, such as having such amazing people among relatives, or that their grandparents played such an active role when they were young, and ancestors were vassals of famous warlords.
Also, memorial service means hospitality, and serving meals etc. to gathered relatives and monks is also a good act.
In addition to entertaining those who have died with incense sticks and offerings, memorial services to entertain living people and donations handing out gifts (souvenirs) are also good acts.
Obon also has a strong image of welcoming the dead in Japan, but in the sutras, it's a story where the dead are saved by the merits of offering (entertaining) monks, so entertaining living people leads to memorial services for the dead.
Certainly, there is a point in concentrating on studying since you are an examinee.
On the other hand, I think meeting and talking with people who are usually estranged will be a social study.
So, in the end, it's fine to compare the merits and demerits and make a judgment on each one, but I don't think it's meaningless to get together at a memorial service.
Maybe they want a monk to say “you're not wrong,” but the world isn't that simple, and the merits and demerits are crowded.
At least as a monk, I'll advertise the merits of memorial services that are often forgotten.

The sense of incongruity at the funeral is sharp

Thank you Pei for your kind consultation. I felt the honesty and sharpness of your point of view in those of you who were absent from the first anniversary of your death, carefully expressed in words and came to a consultation. Also, as a monk who manages the memorial service, I felt sorry. This is because once upon a time, I thought there were ways for monks to recite sutras and puja in response to the sense of incongruity with the “I want to finish quickly” atmosphere felt at the funeral.

I also sometimes witness places with such an atmosphere. At times like that, I pay even more attention than normal. I will start by asking everyone again about the meaning of funerals and memorial services and having them think about it. I will ask them to seriously recite sutras so that they can leave the relationships, interests, likes and dislikes that drag on everyday life once. In the puja, I will tell you that this ceremony is not simply someone else's matter of saying goodbye to the deceased, but is directly linked to your own life and way of life as a worshiper. “People always die, so why are we born?” “Why do we have to live in a world full of evil, strife, and unfairness?” “If we were to live, how can we live?” “What will happen when we die?” “Where will I go?” “How will the next generation remember that I lived?”

If you have a sharp point of view, you must have hidden these questions in the back of your heart and were present at the funeral. Can you remember the behavior and stories of the monks at that time? If you were a monk who wasn't able to create a place where you could answer your important questions, I'm very sorry. Even if you think your relationship with your relatives is meaningless, if you were impressed by your encounter with a monk or their story, then I think that is significant enough to have visited the shrine, but how was it?

Even if you didn't find that much meaning, a new meaning was born when you asked this question about Hasunoha. I am moved by your strong awareness of issues and ability to act when you asked Hasunoha about an experience that may have ended in a “meaningless encounter with a monk.” This is because I was able to reaffirm the importance of conveying the meaning of funerals and memorial services to worshipers. Also, it was an opportunity for you to meet this passionate monk involved in Hasunoha.

All the hasunoha monks will continue to support your life.

The shape is important, isn't it?

　I would like to express my condolences to Pei's grandparents. Studying for entrance exams is also difficult. Please take care of yourself.
No, no, I attended funerals and memorial services. Actually, that was the case for me and when I was a student. Teenagers are like that. Don't worry about it. It's unusual to read the atmosphere of the place, help out in various ways, and visit the shrine. Are you concerned about watching various kinds of TV, the internet, or SNS? First, participate and watch the adults move. I think you had a great experience when you were able to do that. You can worry about it because adults are doing well, and you should put it into practice well when you become a client or mourner when you become an adult. Please watch the movements of adults right now and absorb them.
I'm sorry, but it's very helpful when literary works dealing with funerals like this are asked to study for entrance exams. (The black and white vertical curtain is called the whale curtain, etc.)
The content of feelings is really hard to understand, but I think it will change drastically depending on whether you attended or were absent.
Start by acting and experiencing while you are young.
It's up to you whether you take my opinion as a reference or not.
　

Rather than the time of the memorial service, it's probably due to relationships between families and relatives

I see, it was an uncomfortable time for you.
This is probably due to the relationship between families and relatives rather than the time of the memorial service.

As for the meaning of the memorial service, it is your interpretation. In addition, it is important to get to know the impermanence of this world and listen to Buddhism (teaching only the Buddha) using the deceased as a relationship. A close chief priest will serve and teach you about it.

As for the time and dinner after that, regardless of the memorial service, daily relationships with relatives reflect the atmosphere of the place. Parents teach their children and grandchildren how to behave (how to socialize).

If you don't think that time is necessary, you should only attend the precious memorial service and go home later.

Time to think about your life. Time to ask questions about how to live. Buddhism provides important guidance there.

Even when I go to the memorial service, I feel the relationship between relatives from the air. However, we will not interfere with that, and we will continue to talk about the law. However, I would like to build a good relationship with the temple while speaking out to my family.

Thankfully, there are many houses where children wave their hands saying “come back,” introduce their families and relatives, have flowers when they talk about it hasn't been a while, and they warmly welcome “everyone in the family is a fan of the teacher.” Voices such as “I think my ancestors felt at ease too” are heard, and the area in front of the Buddha on the Buddhist altar is a place of comfort and peace of mind. Originally, the memorial service was a happy and warm thing because it was a thankful relationship. I've always been in a relationship with my family like that.

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