Respect for one's own feelings and my husband's instability

They are having trouble due to the frequency of sex in a marital relationship.

I'm not that much of a sex seeker. Of course, that's not because I don't have much love for my husband.

My husband says he wants to have sex every day, at least 3 times a week.

I've tried my best to respond until now, but after all, if I continue to respond when I'm not enthusiastic, I feel that my heart will definitely wear out little by little.

Until now, discussions have been repeated many times. I've listened to the other person's feelings, affirmed them, and conveyed my own thoughts. Efforts have been made to adjust it to a form that both parties can be satisfied with. We have made various suggestions and ideas.

As for me, I have responded to the extent possible, and in order to respect my own feelings, I refuse when I say no, I think I've been careful about how I say it, and have made improvements, but in the end, my husband complained and it's painful.

My husband says, “If you don't have sex, you can't maintain self-affirmation.”
So if I don't respond, my husband will get hurt.
When my husband gets hurt, dissatisfaction comes back to me.
In order to avoid it, I put my feelings on the back burner and respond to sex

It was like that.

However, that hasn't been a solution, and I think the burden on me is too great. I think the relationship will be exhausted in the long run if you continue to overdo it, so I thought about how to do it, and we've had further discussions and ingenuity, but now I feel limited.

“Just because I want to go at my own pace makes me responsible for my husband's mental state”

It's structured like that, and it's painful. I wanted to somehow accept my painful feelings, but I just couldn't take it well, so I wrote it here. Thank you so much for reading.

4 Zen Responses

It is your husband's ignorance that unfairly harms your dignity

I read your consultation carefully. How much of a heart has been broken and worn down by yourself up until now. First of all, I would like to express my deep respect for your kindness and patience in listening to the other person's thoughts and making an effort to somehow come close.

In Buddhism, there is a teaching called “middle way (chudo).” It is a way of thinking that values a natural way of being without being biased against either extreme and is reasonable. There are individual differences in human desires. As you pointed out, if you force someone who eats small to eat too much, they will destroy your body in terms of appetite, if you force your husband's pace to keep up, you are out of the “middle path,” and it will surely destroy your mind and body.

My husband says, “If you don't have sex, you can't maintain a sense of self-affirmation,” but from a Buddhist point of view, it is a strong “obsession” with others, and it is a state where the stability of one's own mind depends on your body. If you really can't maintain a normal state of mind without it, then it's not something you should cut yourself down to fill; it's a problem he should suspect a hormonal disorder or mental disorder and face it himself with medical help. It must be said that using it as a valid reason to force an act is extremely unreasonable.

Also, even if it is a married couple, forcing someone they are refusing to act is violence that falls under “sexual violence” by law. Even in Buddhism, hurting others is heavily commanded. You are worried that “I will be held responsible for my husband's mental state,” but there is absolutely no need for you to take responsibility for your husband's mood or mental issues. Rather, it is your husband's lack of understanding that unfairly harms your dignity.

Stop sacrificing yourself any more. True “mercy” starts with taking care of and protecting yourself. If understanding cannot be obtained even after so much discussion and ingenuity, we have reached a stage where we should never take it alone and consider other ways to protect ourselves, such as having a third-party expert (counselor or public institution). I sincerely hope that your original peace will return to your heart.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

Sleep in separate rooms

There is a possibility that sleeping together can easily stimulate sexual desire, so sleeping in another room is probably an option.
Also, half of men's sexual desire is desire to ejaculate (desire physical or physical stimulation), so if you make them ejaculate by methods other than so-called “actual acts,” there is a possibility that their heightened desire will deflate.
It would be nice if people could come to terms with that by communicating with each other.
I also feel that my husband's “not being able to maintain self-affirmation” is just an excuse for desire.
If it means that you want to feel loved by you, I think we can devise ways to express affection...
Desire is also a type of suffering, so I think husbands have their own suffering, but don't worry, they won't die from sexual desire.
So, my suggestion is to make them ejaculate by a method other than actual behavior and then sleep separately.
I'm sorry if the raw answers made you uncomfortable.

I wish we could think about how to be a married couple together through couples counseling

I think it's an important issue, but even if we want to respect each other's feelings, it's like coming to terms with each other. That's painful, isn't it?

As women, depending on the frequency, there are burdens and pains on the body, and spending time together and just being skinned can fill you with love. Therefore, I also feel that my husband's words and conditions lack compassion for you. It also makes me sad as a wife when you think about the fact that you've been working hard to maintain your marital relationship until now.

Couple counseling is good. It would be nice if we could think about the future of married couples together.

I think it's going to change a lot

I read it.
I read that you are having trouble with your sex life with your husband. I don't know the details about you or your husband, but it conveys your painful feelings. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
I think my husband's sexual desire also depends on his age and mental and physical condition. There are other answers from the monk, but I think it's okay for the two of you to consult a doctor once, get counseling, and get advice.
There are individual differences between people, and I think age will change from now on, so please discuss it with the two of you while receiving regular counseling and advice.
I think that as 10, 20, and 30 years pass from now, I think you, your husband, and your sexual desires and lifestyle will change.
Please continue to live on good terms and sharing compassion with each other.
I wholeheartedly support you and your husband. We wholeheartedly agree

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