I lied about being a virgin.

I'm a 38 year old single woman.
A few weeks ago, I had sex with my 12 year older boyfriend. Because I was in so much pain, I thought, “Is this my first time?” When asked, I immediately told a lie saying that was the case.

My first experience was raped by an acquaintance.
I became scared when that acquaintance and my friend were connected, and I left that community and experienced loneliness. A few years later, I was in a relationship with a man and had sex several times, but it was so painful that blood came out every time, and they were people who continued to force themselves to do it, thinking it would be fine because they could be penetrated even if I told them to stop. They didn't really listen to me. At the end, his debts were discovered and it ended in bankruptcy.
Other than that, they were also victimized by molesters and stalkers, were afraid of men, and had no lover for ten years.

“Is this your first time?” As soon as I was asked, my painful memories from the past came back to life, and I answered that I was a virgin because I wanted to deny it. My current boyfriend doesn't care that his partner is a virgin or non-virgin, but I'm full of guilt for telling a lie.
Even if I try to apologize for telling a lie, I'm reluctant to say it to my current lover who is thinking about getting married, just because the reason is the reason.

Should I just keep quiet, or should I honestly apologize for telling a lie?
Please give me some advice.

5 Zen Responses

People are weak

In Buddhism, there is a lifestyle practice called the Five Commandments (don't kill, don't steal, don't lie, don't have an affair, don't drink alcohol).
Incidentally, in Japan, it is a “kakana” often given to the deceased, but originally the Buddhist name you get when you become an official Buddhist while you are alive and receive the Five Commandments, etc., is the “kaimyo.”
It is easier to understand the commandments if you keep them (the affliction that causes trouble and suffering weakens).
Therefore, even when it comes to lies, it is better not to run amok if possible (future attainment of Buddhism and enlightenment will be faster).
On the other hand, those of us who have not yet realized it are weak beings with various afflictions, so we almost always fail to keep the Five Commandments.
Telling a lie this time is not a good thing, but the Buddha does not abandon us who are so weak and saves us.
So, let's repent (repent) to the Buddha and our ancestors about the lies the other day, and be careful not to lie as much as possible in the future.
The circumstances are circumstances, so I don't think it's necessary to confide in him about the past as soon as possible, but let's just understand that we are weak only because we don't understand it.
Also, in the Jodo sect, even those of us who can't keep the commandments,
Namu Amida Buddha,
Namu Amidabu Namu Amidabu
I will explain that if you call it Nembutsu (), you can pass away in the Pure Land of Paradise.
Namu Amidabu Namu Amidabu
It's also a good idea to hum nembutsu and be aware that the Buddha will welcome us to the Pure Land without abandoning us.
Gassho
Namu Amidabu Namu Amidabu
Namu Amidabu Namu Amidabu
Even so, there were selfish men.

“Telling everything as it is” isn't always right

I understand that the deep sorrow and pain that the counselor has carried on his back until now is immeasurable. First, please don't blame yourself.

In Buddhism, there is a saying “lies are convenient.” This does not simply affirm lies; it means “action as a means to save people and lead them to peace.” The lies you tell right away are not meant to trick anyone into falling for you. It was like a “breakwater,” so to speak, to protect your own heart and escape the unbearable fears of the past. It's definitely not malicious, and there's no need to feel guilty.

“Telling everything as it is” isn't always right. There must also be a feeling that you don't want to hurt your heart by telling a heavy truth precisely because you care about your partner. Don't force yourself to open up the wounds of the past now, gently put those painful memories in the back of your heart and cherish the “now” with him. The choice not to dare to speak up is kindness towards him, and it is also mercy towards yourself.

Your past suffering will be healed little by little in the warm time you have with him now. Please let go of the obsession with guilt and honestly accept the love he pours out. I sincerely hope that you will be able to forgive yourself for the convenience of protecting yourself and that you can live your days filled with sincere peace of mind and happiness.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

Please take good care of you

I read it.
You've told a lie so quickly that you're feeling guilty, aren't you? I don't know the details about you or that person, but I feel like I understand your feelings very well. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.

If something so painful happened in the past, I don't think it's unavoidable that you told a lie so quickly. You must be deeply hurt.

If that person is someone you don't get caught up with, I think it's fine to leave it as is.
Or I think it's okay to firmly tell the other person that you feel a lot of pain during sexual activity and tell them so they can improve.

Or get examined by a gynecologist, get advice from a specialist, and ask them to tell you various ways to deal with it.

Everyone probably has their own constitution, and there may also be mental reasons.
Let's have a thorough discussion.
I sincerely pray that you will be able to take care of yourself and live a healthy life. We wholeheartedly agree

From now on, it would be nice if we could develop love at the pace of the two of us.

You've been sexually assaulted in the past, haven't you? Fear is probably coming back even now, and I think the sexual act itself is traumatic. Even after that, unreasonable coercion from another person is also accompanied by pain, isn't it? It must have been painful.

Are you afraid or uneasy about what you do with your current lover? If you agree to sexual activity, your lover will probably take the lead, but even so, your body will get stiff, right?

However, “first time?” from a lover I confirmed that because they were aware of your incident. I think it's because they watched you properly and sensed your pace.

Telling the reason for a quick lie also unearths past experiences. I'm sure virgins and non-virgins aren't important. The fact that they are unfamiliar has probably been conveyed, and it would be nice if we could develop love at the pace of the two of us from now on.

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