hasunoha

Do you forgive cheating? Will you spend the rest of your life with him?

I have a boyfriend that I've been dating for 4 years. We lived together about a year ago and were planning to get married on our next anniversary. However, I discovered LINE where he had an affair last month. I think people who cheat are the worst, so I'm worried about whether to break up.
The time I had an affair was 2 years ago. It was around the time we were in a long distance relationship. He said that the reason he cheated was because he was lonely. I fell asleep almost every day except on days when I didn't work the night shift at work, we exchanged LINE every day, and we met once every 2 months. However, it seemed like he had gone out of his way to download the app and go out to dinner with other girls he met. I've also been on the bullet train to see him since the end of the night shift, and I'm quite shocked that we were betrayed even though we called almost every day and thought we had somehow overcome the long distance even though we were lonely, and we still can't look forward. Just remembering LINE's text with my cheating partner makes me cry. He thought they'd break up if they found out about their affair before they lived together. There was no physical relationship with my cheating partner. We've only met a few times. Now that they've made it this far, they've said they want to marry me.
Honestly, my trust in him has faded quite a bit, but I'm worried about breaking up with my first boyfriend, the man I wanted to cherish for the first time, and the fact that I still haven't completely disliked him.
I recently asked for a letter on my birthday, and the letter I received included words apologizing for hurting me and saying not to make the same mistake again. However, when I thought that I would be able to spend the next 60 years or so with a guy I couldn't fully trust, or that if I just broke up, I couldn't give up my feelings for him and say that I wanted to get back close to myself, I couldn't even break up. Even though I've been hurt so much, I'm so disgusted with myself that I can't dislike it, and I want to stop worrying round and round.
Should we break up? Or should I believe and walk with him?
I want to leave the days of crying with dark feelings. I want to look forward peacefully. Could you please give me some advice?

6 Zen Responses

There is also a possibility that they had an affair because they couldn't decide

Late marriage and unmarriage have become an issue these days, and at the moment he is planning to get married, so I think he's a serious person in his own way.
However, during the long distance relationship period, I think many people are distracted by “is it really OK to be the current lover, or maybe there are other people who are more attractive.”
If you were to choose a future marriage partner, you would make a big life choice, and in the case of a young person, it is natural that you would want to compare multiple candidates and make a decision.
So, personally, I think it's okay to forgive them if it was an affair before they got engaged.
Conversely, I think cheating after getting engaged or married is really bad.
You're still young, so I'm sure you'll meet other good people even if you break up with him.
That's because there are a lot of single men in the world.
However, if you think by what age you want to get married or by what age you want children, it's a good idea to forgive your current boyfriend.
The rest is whether he has the right specs as a marriage partner, such as his personality and sense of money.
You probably don't have a full meal for the rest of your life, so he may be counting on your financial strength as a reason he wants to marry you.
I'm wondering if he's also a person who works well.

Unsettled marriages should be avoided. You don't have to force yourself to choose a breakup

You probably felt that your sincerity, which you had spun while talking to each other every day while riding the bullet train with a tired body after the night shift, was disrespected. That grief and unbridled resentment is absolutely justified. First of all, please take warm care of your own pain that you have endured alone until today.

In Buddhism, there is a teaching called “unscrupulous fornication (fujai inkai),” which admonishes devious relationships between men and women. There is no doubt that his act of succumbing to loneliness, entering the app, and meeting other women was a mistake that lacked sincerity in that it disobeyed and deeply hurt your faith, regardless of whether there was a physical relationship or not.

But what is bothering your heart the most right now is probably the mental conflict that shakes between your “unforgivable self” and “the self you can't dislike” more than his mistakes themselves. In Buddhism, the past that has happened or the state of being held captive in the other person's heart is regarded as “obsession.” Trying to forcibly forgive and struggling to break an attachment both involve great pain for you right now.

There's no need to rush to add black and white. Marriages where trust is shaken should be avoided, but there is no need to force yourself to choose to break up while feelings remain. Why don't you put the “promise of marriage” on hold and take the time to assess whether he can regain trust with his daily actions from now on, and whether your own heart can overcome the pain and let go of your obsession? You will always be able to see the answers in a quiet, well-prepared mind without being impatient.

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Engiji Temple Shakujo

Let's calm down and think about it

I read it.
I read your thoughts. I can tell you that you are very hurt. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
I don't know your relationship with him up until now, but I can really understand that you are thinking like that. They probably live together, so they probably bump face to face with him every day. I think the feeling of not being able to forgive no matter what and anxiety about the future will cross my mind.
I don't know what is desirable to do in a cohabiting lifestyle, but if possible, it may be important to calm down once and look back at yourself.
You can try living every day without touching on that, and I also think it's okay to stop living together once.
Then take a close look at each thought and feeling.
On top of that, let's meet again and talk clearly about our thoughts and the future.
Let's have a thorough discussion with him about what's going to happen and try to calm down and make a decision.
Your future and his future are both important, aren't they?
I sincerely pray that both you and he will face the future firmly, talk clearly, and make decisions about each future, so that you and he will continue to cherish your relationship and live happily from the bottom of your heart.
And I wholeheartedly support you and him. Close to the Heart m (__) m

Breaking up is the right answer. Let's break up this week.

They cheat on you because they don't care about you.
A man will say any excuse.
People who betray once will betray in the future. why?
You're not in love, you're in love with yourself, so it's so gross that it's ruined. Let's break up quickly.
There is no need for motley or sympathy at all.
Breaking up as fast as possible was the correct answer.
The opposite sex is the same as lottery luck.
The only good thing was that my partner's true nature was revealed and revealed before marriage.
Please take a good look at this page for things like cheating after you have kids.
For women, it's the worst, the worst, hell, seriously quit, cheating bastard, KUSO and it's over destruction.
One destruction, one end is the beginning of something new, so the time has come. congrats. That was great! I'm glad I found out early on that it was Tondemonai who betrayed you and secretly cheated on you!
Forgive cheating? Will you spend the rest of your life with him? what are you saying? You've been scammed, right?
him? No, remember the words that man hid from you and sent to the woman he had an affair with. That's his nature.
It seems tough, but if you don't say it this far, many women will be fooled by inertia, bad boys, compromise and break their hearts, and they will continue to be cheated on in the future and regret it later.

Breaking up is 100% correct.
That's it.
No mercy at all.
While calmly analyzing yourself, let's calmly recognize what he did from a calm perspective, evaluate it, scrutinize the content carefully, and judge without being fooled by lies or excuses. If you're married, it's an act of infidelity.
There's no point in making excuses when a man cheats on you.
It ends when you have an affair.
Even if you get together with someone you've had an affair with even once, it will drag on for the rest of your life, so give up quickly and throw it away comfortably. it looks like!
It's for your happiness for decades to come.