I can't bear the pain of being separated from my child

Certainly, even if you “don't want to see your face” against your divorce partner, in general, visitation with parents is a child's right, isn't it?
If psychological abuse against children was included in your words and actions, that's a different story.
You may want to talk to an attorney about that.
Speaking of children's rights, it's also important to get child support.
Even if you don't meet your child, please keep paying child support until you graduate from college as a parent's responsibility.
Put your child's happiness above your own.
I can understand the feeling that this is ridiculous, but even so, as a parent, please continue to support your child until they become a member of society.
Even if you die now, it won't be positive for your child's happiness.
Now, according to Buddhism, it is said that the mind is impermanent.
Thoughts and feelings come and go from moment to moment, then disappear and change.
You can reset your current painful feelings after 1 second.
However, if you fall into delusional distractions about the past, the future, yourself or others, and thoughts in the same information, you will amplify your worries, suffering, and stress.
Let's successfully reset your mind (thoughts and feelings).
I think it's a good idea to try meditating etc.

[Answer]

First of all, protecting your life is now a top priority over the conclusion of a visitation exchange.

The state of “only thinking about how to die” is beyond the stage of being able to endure alone. Right now, to family, friends, and people you can trust at work

“I'm thinking about suicide. I don't want you to leave me alone”

Please tell them. If it's urgent, don't hesitate to go to 119. “#いのちSOS（0120 -061-338)” is also available 24 hours a day.

Even if you pass away, there is no guarantee that your suffering will be conveyed correctly to your wife. Above all, I will leave a lifetime of sadness for my 5-year-old children. If you want to see each other again, please live first.

Marital relationships and parent-child relationships need to be considered separately.

There is a possibility that your wife has been deeply hurt by moral harassment and is afraid of coming into contact with you. Don't take your eyes off that responsibility. However, that alone does not determine that parent-child interaction should be cut off permanently.

Visitation is not for the purpose of passing parents' requests; it is judged mainly on the child's healthy growth and interests. If there is a specific risk of child abuse, strong fear, or abduction, etc., it may be restricted. On the other hand, if there are no such circumstances, there is room to start with a secure method, such as delivery through a third party organization, short meetings, or online calls.

If you are unable to discuss it, talk to an attorney and use Family Court visitation mediation. If it is not implemented even though it has already been decided through mediation or judgment, there is also a way to request an implementation recommendation.

However, you must not stop marriage expenses or press for visitation by hinting at suicide. That keeps reunions away.

Admitting mistakes isn't the end; it's a starting point. Keep on changing yourself by living. That's the surest way to meet your child again.

I read it.
I read that you are having a very difficult time being separated from your children due to divorce mediation. I don't know the details, but it really conveys your sorrow and painful feelings. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.

I think you're feeling so bad that you want to die after being driven into such a situation. And I think I'm exhausted both mentally and physically.

First of all, please take care of yourself. Please take a good rest and heal your mind and body. You may not be able to sleep easily, but please get a good night's sleep and eat something that is gentle on your body. Also, please take a leisurely bath to heal your mental and physical fatigue.
You are now living well. You are being kept alive while receiving many blessings. Many people are happy that you are alive.
The Buddha, gods, and ancestors are always watching over you kindly.
Please confess your thoughts to the Buddha, gods, and ancestors as they are, and please sincerely convey your suffering, painful feelings, and sorrows to the Buddha, gods, and ancestors.
Buddha, gods, and ancestors will kindly accept all of your thoughts and save you from suffering.
First of all, please prioritize living peacefully every day.

Also, please share your thoughts here.

I sincerely pray to the Buddha, gods, and ancestors that you will first take care of yourself, rest well, and have peace of mind, and that you can continue to live a heart-rich life in relationships with loved ones. We wholeheartedly agree

Your remorse comes through. Even though it's moral harassment, showing (listening to) DV to children is abusive. I would like you to take that seriously.

I work as a female consultation support worker in the government on a daily basis, and I also provide support related to DV. Victims are not relieved since they got divorced, and there is trauma where they have to live with the fear they have received in their hearts. She will need trauma-informed care from now on.

Of course, you're the child's father, and you're the caregiver who will continue to watch over you. The desire to meet should also be respected.

Did you discuss visitation during divorce mediation? In the case of divorce due to DV, the child's safety is judged first, but visitation promises may not be kept due to the wife's emotions and mental burden. There are various backgrounds, such as distrust of the other person, past fears, or defensive reactions to hurting oneself by letting them meet.

However, in terms of law and practice, it is considered difficult in principle to refuse visitation only on the grounds of “feelings on the wife's side (simply because I don't like it, because I don't want them to meet).”

If you continue not to let them meet like this, you can file a petition for visitation and exchange mediation. There are also cases where indirect coercion (penalty payment order) is imposed on the wife side, and it is impossible not to let them meet without fulfilling their promise.

If it is a space dedicated to visitation exchange support groups and safety is ensured, I think they will accept the visit. It is a special space designed so that children can safely spend time with their separated parents (former husbands) without parents meeting face to face. Why don't you suggest a meeting there?