The relationship between his engaged boyfriend and his own mother

Thank you for your consultation.

It happened while we had a careful relationship for 4 years, received a proposal, and were looking forward to being naturalized in December, so I really understand it. I think both the feeling that you want to cherish him and the feeling that you can't break ties with your mother or older brother are unmistakable feelings of yours. I don't think you have to blame yourself for “being beautiful in every way.” It's natural to not want to lose either of your loved ones.

Also, I don't understand his feelings. I met my mother while being nervous, endured tough questions, and now that she got sick, she was told “you should come even if you crawl.” Things that had been piled up probably overflowed all at once.

On the other hand, I don't think it's necessary to decide between “breaking ties with my mother or giving up on marriage” right now. I think the fact that he was hurt and that you have to break ties with your mother are different issues.

In Buddhism, there is a way of thinking called the “middle way.” The teaching is not to be extremely biased towards one or the other, but rather to search for a path in between. This time, too, I don't think the two extremes of “getting along with everyone” or “isolating” are the only answers.

Just because they get married doesn't necessarily mean that the husband and wife's families must be close. He said, “You don't have to force yourself to be good friends with your mother. But it's an important family for me, so I don't want you to ask them to break ties.” Also, I think it is necessary to tell his mother that he was deeply hurt by his words against him, and that she wants them to respect the decisions of the two people who will become husband and wife in the future.

However, right now, both he and you are in a time when your emotions are greatly shaken. Wouldn't it be necessary not to draw a conclusion today or tomorrow?

And one thing that bothered me was the part where “once you have children, you will depend on your mother.” I don't think we need to force ourselves to decide on our current relationship for a future that hasn't happened yet. The first thing I want you to think about is who and what kind of family you want to build in the future.

Choosing him doesn't mean abandoning your mother. Taking care of your mother doesn't betray him either. You can also create an appropriate distance between each.

I think the correct answer is not to choose one person, but to create relationships with your loved ones that you are satisfied with.

At the beginning of my life, unexpected waves and winds set in, and I understand your heartache. Water was poured over the big celebration, and it's really painful. However, this incident did not interfere with the relationship between the two themselves. Please don't blame yourself. There's nothing wrong with you.

In Buddhism, there is a term called “ignorance (ignorance),” where the truth cannot be seen and people are trapped by obsession. The mother's obsession with the “order of greetings” and unreasonable and difficult problems such as “she should come even if she crawls” is a state where she is trapped by her own face and selfishness rather than her daughter's happiness. It's a word that could ruin a wedding, and it's not unreasonable for him to get furious and run for extreme defense, saying “break the relationship.”

What you should cherish now is to protect your precious “relationship” with him. Please let go of future worries now that “when you have children in the future, you may rely on a mother in Tokyo.” Don't lose sight of the most important concern for him right in front of you right now because of things you haven't seen yet.

His anger should gradually regain its calm over time if unreasonable events don't continue any longer. What you should do is to calmly question the mother, which is the root cause, why she cannot honestly bless your daughter's marriage, and lay the ground firmly so that it does not interfere with the future.

Stop making a good face to anyone here and have an unwavering determination to “marry him and live together.” That will be a sure path to breaking this confusion.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

You said hello to his parents first!

Yuka's family is now planning to get divorced, so greetings won't be easy either.

Greetings for each person on a different day may have been terrible for him.


Why can't we go say hello to his parents first?
Also, I don't know his name because he didn't name it, but if he was nervous and forgot, it's just a story I should reach out and listen to it.

The next seat with my older brother was filled with questions when we met for the first time, and ended up in a seat with an atmosphere where no support was given. Isn't it wisdom fever due to tension and anxiety?

The mother says she should come even if she's not feeling well or crawling. There are no more words...

Even a good-natured guy would be horrified by that.

We need a little more support from you in order to successfully relax each other's catch.

Marriage is not about in-person marriage, and there is compatibility between family members. But things are different now.

Now, my mother's personality and wording haven't changed.

Yuka's efforts are necessary.

I kept a certain distance from my mother (in my heart) and didn't let me meet him in person.

I think it doesn't matter if you say hello to your older brother even after you get married.

Also, make it easy for them to eat light meals.

Right now, it's important to stand firmly on his side.

Once we get married, it's a different family.

You can't be pulled over to your original house.

The mother's case, which is the culprit of this series of problems, and Yuka's marriage are different things.

Don't let your mother get in.

I've already met my mother once, so it's fine if we just get married.

What's more, don't bring it into a conversation with him.

That's because my mother is becoming a toxic parent.

Parents, don't be like me even when it's hard for you; you should take off.

It is the parent's job to push the daughter's back.

It's not like putting on a difficult habit and dragging your feet.

You should also talk with your own husband.

Don't hit my daughter.

When it comes to taking care of children, etc., many people live in rural areas, so please refer to that.
There are many people who do it even if they don't rely on their mother. Aren't there more of them?

It's something that everyone doesn't even talk to him about.

Isn't this the only case where a new wife is a beautiful woman from all sides allowed? I feel it.

There is a saying that comes from Buddhism, “lies are convenient.”

To establish each position, a lie that is kind and doesn't hurt anyone is love.

Please walk well and protect your own happiness.

I'm rooting for you.

Hypothetically, if he greeted his mother before saying hello to his parents, there is a possibility that his mother would get angry, saying, “It's a problem even if they come here first to say hello even though they haven't received permission from the other party's parents.”
It's not a question of which came first; maybe your mom is against this marriage, or she doesn't want to let go of you, or maybe she thinks his new relationship with his parents is troublesome.
People are stimulated by anger when they are bothersome, or when they have something to be ashamed of, or afraid of.
Annoying anyway, just disgusting, and anyway scary, comes first, and there are cases where the reason is forced to reason later.
I wonder what the mother is afraid of.
Mom is not on good terms with Dad right now.
“I don't want my mom, who has failed to get married, to talk nonsense about my marriage!” I want to say that.
Also, maybe that's why your mother is negative about marriage, and maybe she's concerned about the age difference between him and you.
In Buddhism, we believe that everyone has worries such as greed, anger, laziness, and pride.
The mother is also just a middle-aged and elderly woman full of worries, so it can be difficult when it comes to whether you can always prioritize your daughter's happiness because you're a parent.

That made me feel bad, didn't it? I think the mother's attitude is a bit immature. Even though it's an important day, it's not a day for the two families to meet or get married. If they don't feel well, I wanted them to say, “Please change it on a perfect day.”

Greetings are important, but when I say which house comes first, it seems like they are people who are superior or inferior, and I have the impression that they are troublesome partners to be in a relationship with.

However, if he gets mad here, it's just like his mother. You won't be able to beat each other. Putting up a precautionary line against the mother's troublesome personality is the key to maintaining a good relationship (preventing interference from the mother).

For example, you don't have to tell his parents that you went to say hello first. If you ask, you can go back and talk about it later. Also, two people assume and answer bad questions beforehand, and while you follow him well, they appeal anyway that we have a good relationship. Getting married doesn't mean getting married to a mother or brother. Even if there is opposition, if you go through greetings and in-laws, even if your mother says a lot of things, let's dodge them with a smile, saying, “It's our marriage, so keep an eye on us.”

It is said that when they have children, they will depend on their mother, but isn't that a burden to him? Your mother won't hold your head up, and you'll be listening to small words from your mother.

You, too, should defend his position. There are many childcare services (postpartum care/support) that can be used without having to rely on parents after delivery. You should think about that too.

Even if you're grateful to your mother, you won't be fine if your precious boyfriend is hurt. If that's the case, let's read your mother's personality carefully and get through it with self-defense and the art of disposal. In order to be happy, you have to overcome difficulties.