I wasn't a good person at all

Thank you for your consultation. As you face your inner world deeply and deeply, you notice an ugly part of yourself that you didn't want to see until now, and you are suffering a great deal of disgust and guilt.

Everyone wants to “be a good person.” However, the feelings you say about being “intrusive,” “selfish,” “jealous,” and “unable to be honest” are not flaws that only you have. It is born from the “affliction” that we all have equally.

We humans (ordinary people) are weak beings, and it is almost impossible to completely cut off this affliction with our own strength alone. Many people turn their eyes away from such ugly parts of themselves and live by pretending not to notice them. They say, “I've been avoiding it all this time by looking at what's inside,” but this time I was able to stop and look directly at my “true self,” which makes you want to turn your eyes away, without misleading them, is actually a very precious and valuable experience.

So please don't harshly blame yourself. Amida's main purpose of salvation is not a great good person; it is truly “we ordinary people who have worries and can't do anything about it.”

The question is “What should I do to live my life with a bad self,” but first try gently letting go of that “dislike of yourself.” You don't have to force yourself to change or make any more repairs. The filter you've been desperately applying, “Let's be a kind person,” must have been compassionate in your own way.

If you are worried and remain imperfect, you are precious just the way you are. Please don't deny your past self too much, relax your shoulders, and live your “now” naturally and with care.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

I read your consultation. I think it's very important that you were able to face yourself and deepen your awareness by having time.

Right now, it seems that the damage was deep precisely because that awareness was shocking, but I think that by being able to live without cheating on it, your future steps will become wider and deeper.

Now, either you have repaired up until now or you who have taken off your armor is the real you, and neither one is the fake you.

In Buddhism, it's called “good fortune (luck),” and all existence is caused by relationships — in other words, relationships.
There is an unwavering, fixed, authentic you somewhere, and that you are not living in various relationships.

In every relationship, who you are at that time has arisen.

You as a child, you as a friend, you as a colleague... you were all who you were at that time, and there are times when you can be kind, and there are times when you can't.

In terms of Buddhism, everyone is an “ordinary man (bonbu).” Since we cannot discern the truth, we act in an egocentric manner, and we are deeply lost beings who are swept away by impulses.

Wouldn't it be amazing to be able to be kind by suppressing self-centeredness in relationships between me and you with someone?

You probably don't need to go out of your way to expose your hesitation and act self-centered. There are many times when it comes up even if you don't dare.

Trying to be a good person, even if hypocritical, in a relationship with someone means valuing friendship, and I think it's also about valuing yourself.

Of course, if you're tired of it, there's no need to overdo it. Sometimes you may be tempted to act recklessly or let go of your own way. But is that living as your true self, or is it about taking care of yourself? I'm going to ask the question.
It might be a good idea to go ahead and check it out through practice based on what you've noticed now.

Even so, I definitely think there is something called my own darkness that I can't hold onto. I think people who notice this will seek faith. Something called a teaching that will certainly accept it.

I read it.
I was able to read the truth in your heart. It really conveys how you feel about yourself and that you are worried. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
I think it is very precious for you to face your own heart and figure and express yourself just the way you are. It's not easy to face yourself like that. Nonetheless, it's very important to get to know yourself.
Please share your thoughts here as well. We look forward to welcoming you. Or talk about your thoughts online.

Also, please sincerely put your hands on the Buddha, gods, and ancestors and confess your thoughts as they are. Please tell the Buddha, gods, and ancestors as you think about yourself, up until now, and your thoughts.
Buddha, gods, and ancestors kindly accept all of your thoughts. He sits close to your heart and comforts you.
And the Buddha, gods, and ancestors will guide you in a good direction.
The Buddha, gods, and ancestors will guide you so that you can live your own life without making it up.

From the bottom of my heart, I pray to Buddha, gods, and ancestors so that your future will be led by Buddha, gods, and ancestors, and you can live every day sincerely, richly and healthily in your own way. We wholeheartedly agree

Myōga-san, I would also like to consult with you.

Even if they are cheerful, kind, or nice, they are not the kind of people to be praised by others.

Up until now, I've been kind and close to people.

But it was armor, and I realized that what was inside was such a person who was intrusive, selfish, jealous, unable to honestly thank or apologize, and if something bad happened, they would act in an attitude, think that they are victims and feel sorry for themselves, and avoid facing people

There is such a thing.

If you have time and are able to face yourself carefully, how about first thanking your past self for being aware of it?

Because we have failed in the past, we have now.

Also, who determines the gentleness of a creation?

No matter what you think, if the person who gave you that kindness was healed by it, then that is also true.

No matter what you think in your stomach, whether it's hypocritical, it's disrespectful to yourself to deny a situation where you raised your hips in an attempt to be kind.

True intentions, armor, etc. are called overwriting, and there are also cases where people covered their weak self and protected themselves while helping themselves.

Why don't you observe yourself in a slightly more multifaceted way?

There isn't just one answer, and people change depending on time, time, relationships, and various factors.

There are cases where you are a bad person for Mr. A and a good person for Mr. B.

It's undecided.

Then, if you don't like that much hypocrisy,

You should search for the reason you hurt yourself.

What did you want to run away to?
What led you to self-preservation?

If you dig deep beyond that, you'll be able to see something else.

By denying oneself, not much is born.

It's not because I haven't done anything, it's because I'm blaming myself for doing something.
What's more, as an action against a third party.

I think you're a kind person.

Taking a deep look at yourself is necessary, isn't it? However, if I were to list shortcomings and imperfections, no one is perfect, and I can't judge a good person by myself. I wonder if that's what the recipient feels.

Also, I transcend various situations, live various forms of myself depending on my position, and I have various forms of self there. I wonder if that is also the appeal of “me.”

It's impossible to live like a clean, innocent, and merciful Buddha. But since I have many different kinds of self, I can rest, show my true intentions, give up, and give up.

I also have times when I'm a monk, when I become a mother, when I listen attentively to others as a counselor, when I want to be free from various things, and when I want to stop thinking and take a break. If you try to always be a good person, you'll be hard on yourself and it will be stifling.

I think it's humane to have a bad self. So I think life will become an important step in fostering self-growth and humility.

From now on, many of the people you meet will also meet wonderful people and people you can respect. By learning from that way of life, I think we can become a deep adult again.